Stretching, Part IV

Read previous entry to catch up if you don't know what's going on...

We went into today's appointment for a follow-up ultrasound fully prepared (as well as we could be) for confirmation that the pregnancy wasn't going to last, and for the next step to possibly be surgery. Though I have continued to feel very pregnant, with fatigue, nausea, hunger, and other weird, normal symptoms, I told myself repeatedly to guard my heart and remember that my body would still do this, even if there wasn't an actual baby growing. Abigail had steadfastly reminded us that she, Isaac, and Elijah were all miracle babies, and that God could choose to give us another miracle. I agreed it was possible, but tried to prepare her for the possibility that He may not give us another baby at this time. It has been hard to balance faith with reality, and believing God is capable of a miracle, when science is giving all indications that is unlikely and improbable.

However, I am so grateful, shocked, humbled, and amazed, to present to you, our fourth miracle:




As soon as the sonographer began the scan, I saw the flickering heartbeat, and a tiny little being. She happily announced, "I see a baby!" James laughed outloud, while I cried for joy. We are beyond thankful, and truly overwhelmed by God's graciousness to our family. He has strengthened us this past week through so many kind prayers and words of encouragement, and I know we would have been all right if today's news hadn't been so wonderful. Even now, we know that especially this early in a pregnancy, there are still things that could happen. But for now, we are rejoicing and celebrating that early in 2010, it appears that we will be parents again.

Our sweet daughter's faith has been an example to us all, and we are now awaiting the determination of whether this will be the little sister she's been praying for. If so, we have a very fitting name for the little stinker, who hid from sight last week. :-) I'm starting a new baby blog, and updates will be coming on that site, if you'd like to check in as our little one grows. The new address is http://ourbonusbaby.blogspot.com.

Stretching, Part III

This entry in the whole "Stretching" theme has been the hardest to write. Even as I type, I don't know what the outcome may be in a few more days. The main point of it is that for years, James and I have longed to enlarge our family through adoption. We felt that if we had a baby after Abigail, then we would adopt a few years later. When it took several years to get pregnant again, and to have Elijah, we almost gave up hope and assumed that maybe we were only supposed to be the parents of two children. When Elijah was born though, it just felt like things were falling into place, and that meant that we would now adopt a daughter, and our family would be complete. The last few months though, I have felt my heart in a little turmoil. As much as I have always longed to adopt, I started having second thoughts, and doubts about whether we were supposed to add to our family again. I mentioned some of my thinking to James recently, who responded he did feel that we were not yet complete, so it just must not be the right time. I couldn't figure out how the logistics of money and time and housing were all going to be answered, but haven't felt too pressured either. I just didn't want Elijah to be so old that we would be starting all over after completely finishing the baby phase again. I have resolved to just pray and ask God to make it clear what He would have us do. We have been very upfront as a family that we intended to be a family of 4, so the kids even ask when we are getting our little sister, and we just keep telling them that we don't know yet.

Then, just over a week ago, I had a positive pregnancy test. I had been in denial all week that I might be pregnant, but finally caved and took a test. I cannot tell you how shocked and confused I was when I first saw that line show up. I was almost sick at my stomach, because I imagined our family and friends looking at us like we were crazy. We are struggling feeling so crammed in our house right now, and financially, we weren't prepared to add to our family again so soon. I won't go into the details of how I couldn't even believe how I could've gotten pregnant, but especially considering how hard it has been to get pregnant in the past, it was just crazy this would happen when we least expected it - or even wanted it. After the first days of shock wore off, the news started settling in, and we started getting excited. We agreed to wait and tell our family and friends until around Father's Day. By then, I would have a dr. appt. and ultrasound, and more confirmation that things were going well, and it was really happening.

My appointment didn't exactly go that way though. The ultrasound didn't show an embryo, just an empty sack. Dr. McK said that it was possible that we were just a few days too early to see the forming baby, but once my bloodwork came back and was a very high HCG number, it seemed more likely that things were not developing normally. There was much sadness and frustration, as I asked God why He'd even tease us with a pregnancy, if it wasn't really going to end up with a baby. I mean, we weren't asking for a baby or anything, so why get our hopes up, to just crush them? I don't have all those answers yet, but am trusting that God has a purpose in allowing us to be stretched again. There is also the eternal optimist in me that says there is hope that things will turn out just fine, that this bonus baby will be born, and add to our family just like we imagined a fourth child would - we just never dreamed it would be of our own flesh and blood.

We appreciate that several of you who already know this news have been such strong warriors in prayer for our family. This is how I ended the email telling folks our heart's desire in all this...

It has been a hard few days, and I have been super emotional at times, but now am better emotionally, just really nauseated! We have explained things to the kids in simple terms and they have been so sweet. They are concerned about what is going to happen Thursday, and keep asking, "How long till we know if there is a baby?" :-) Abigail has reminded me how just last week, she started praying for a baby sister, so she is very hopeful that her prayer is being answered. We really do not want her to think God has ignored her if this pregnancy doesn't work out, so are trying to teach them that we want God's plan, not ours, and that we just don't know what that may be. It is hard to wait. After years of waiting to getting pregnant, we should be better at it by now though!

Thank you for praying with us for God to do what will ultimately allow us to be the best witness of His glory. Unless something changes before then, we will update you Thursday after the appointment. We love you.

Stretching, Part II

So, James has been back in the NICU for about five months now. He switched back after working on the Crirical Care Transport Team for nearly a year. Though he loved the work on Transport, the longer shifts, and some issues there made it really hard on our family for a while. After a lot of discussion and prayer, we decided it was worth going back to work in the Unit again. It has been a hard road. James has missed flying especially, and the NICU isn't the same since they have nearly doubled in size of patients and nurses. He has had less challenging patients, since there are so many more employees to split the most critical babies between, and has felt like he was just not being used to the best of his abilities. Though I knew he was struggling with discouragement, I didn't want to think of another change, and am ashamed to admit my reaction several weeks ago when he tried to broach the subject. I burst into tears, and said I just couldn't talk about it right then. My dear husband kindly gave me a few days to think and process, and the next conversation went much better. He is such a kind man, and unselfish husband, because he really wanted to hear my opinion and depended on me to tell him the truth about my view of the potential job change. We are forever doing "Pros/Cons" lists, and I had a few on each.

The Pros for CCT were:
* James loves Transport b/c it is challenging and exciting. He is THE person flying to get a patient, with only a Respiratory Therapist as a partner, so it is major responsibility, and use of many skills to care for the patient aboard a helicopter usually (or jet or ambulance).
* His partner is great and they are a good team.
* Former frustrating (hospital politics) issues are no longer a factor, so when not on a call, he can rest. If he does, when he comes home, he is awake and with us!

Cons:
* 12 hour shifts require him to leave around 6 pm, 7 nights a week.
* Increased danger (helicopter or jet or ambulance crashing)
* If they run calls all night, he still has to sleep when he comes home, and we really have zero time with him.
* I have to do the bedtime routine with all three children, which is a challenge, since they do not go to sleep easily at all.

Pros for the NICU:
* Several close friends add to the enjoyment of the job.
* He is great at caring for sick babies.
* Shorter, 11-7 shift enables him to be here through dinner, bath, and bedtime with the kids.
* Danger pretty non-existent.

Cons:
* Job is less challenging due to the changes in the unit's size.
* Always up all night, so must sleep all day.

There was no clear right or wrong choice. It came down to what we felt God was telling us to do. We prayed for peace about it all, and God truly enabled me to be fine with James' going back to CCT. He didn't manipulate or convince me. I just knew that while he is able to do this job he loves, I want to encourage him. Since he provides for our whole family, I am glad he can do what he loves, and it allows me the privilege to be able to stay home and be a wife and mom. It was not even hard to agree, because I knew that James really wanted the best for our family, and would accept it if I really had a problem. We are working hard on getting the kids to go to bed without the long, drawn out routine that it has become, really because of our lack of discipline. We needed to deal with that anyway, so now have more motivation.

This whole scenario was hard for me, because it does take me beyond my comfortable, known routine of nearly five years of the 11-7 NICU shift James has worked. It's good to stretch though, when you love someone - and he is so worth it. So, July 9th, my husband will be back to flying on that helicopter, and I'm very happy for him! We would appreciate your prayers for his safety, and our adjustment back to the evenings without him. Especially, please ask for good sleep for my kiddos!

Stretching, Part I

This last month or so has involved a time of stretching for our family. We actually feel like we are being tugged in a few different areas. The first one I want to share about tonight, as we would covet your prayers.

We have been privileged to be able to be there physically for a friend in need in a way that I wish wasn't necessary, but unfortunately, is. A painful childhood, and then a difficult marriage, have turned into over a decade of abuse. She needed a temporary home away from home, so has been living with us. While we are so thankful that she has been here, and know that God led us to offer our home to her, it has been a hard time. Seeing her pain, hearing the stories, and trying to give some answers to questions she has - it's been draining, and challenging. I am not sorry she shares with us, but am so sad she has had to suffer the way she has, that it's just hard to know what to say. She has asked repeatedly why God has allowed this pain for so long, and if she deserves it. All the conversation in the world, and Scripture to base my answers on, do not make up for the memories of hurtful words, and physical blows. I now mostly answer, "I don't know why, but I do know that God is aware of it all, and I am hoping in Him."

As a pretty tender-hearted soul, at times I feel unable to bear just listening to her, and surely can't imagine how she must feel. I try to empathize, but truly cannot relate (thank you, LORD!) to what she has experienced. Through these last 5 weeks, I realize over and over how sweet my life has been. Trials I have experienced pale into comparison to the things this dear friend has had to walk through, mostly on her own.

God is working, and it is neat how He is teaching our family through this opportunity. I'm so glad we have been available and obedient. I think we have gained more than my friend has. I pray that I will never take my precious husband for granted, and am so thankful for the godly parents who raised me so lovingly as well. Those are luxuries and blessings others just do not have. An amazing part of this journey has been how the Word has offered hope when my words surely do not. Here is a passage I have read often, and shared with her, because the verse fit this scenario so well. Please pray for my sweet friend, as this week holds more challenges, and for her future to hold healing and restoration if it's God's will.

^{Psalm 33}

¹⁸ But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,

¹⁹ to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.

²⁰ We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.

²¹ In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.

²² May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.