There have been many thoughts swirling in this head of mine today. I keep pondering how I can sum up the impact of fathers. I don't know if I can even convey how very overwhelmed I am with gratitude that God has blessed me with not only a wonderful Daddy, but an amazing father for my own children. I know the legacy of our parents is carried on to following generations. There were some difficult issues in the past that could have been the continuing story of our family, on both parents' sides. Thankfully, God intervened and because of some godly men who shared the Truth of the Gospel with my parents, newly married and having a young daughter (me), the course of our future was then determined to be a hopeful, joyful one. To this day, I am so aware of the impact of the testimony of those believers, who shared, discipled, and lived out godly marriages for my parents to witness. They have said plenty of times how they realize their marriage shouldn't have survived, except for the grace of God touching them as newlyweds.
So, because of that, I was raised in a Christian home, by parents who were growing and learning how to form new patterns of commitment and faith. My Dad was a blessing to me growing up, for sure. We had fun outdoors, church was a highlight of the week as we worshiped together, we worked hard on projects in our garden, we loved the same music, shared goofy inside jokes, and we cheered for our Tigers. More than all those commonalities though, a reason I really thought my Dad was amazing was that he loved my mother. He passionately, enthusiastically adored her. He made it clear she was the love of his life, that he would do anything for her, and that she was his cherished partner for life. I remember almost feeling jealous, that she was so very special to him, and that he demonstrated such precious respect and sacrificial love for her.
Deep down though, I was so PROUD. I loved that there was such a commitment there, and that it was obvious to any who knew them, that no one could compare to his love for her. It mattered so much, because she hadn't had that type of daddy, and I used to think maybe Dad was trying to make up for any hurt in her past. Though I know that may not be possible, for the last 40 years, he still tries. I just love that about him. I love how he makes her giggle, how he compliments her, tells (fictional) stories about her dancing at the FloraBama, and generally causes her to shake her head with his shenanigans. I don't love that she is sometimes slightly embarrassed, but that he loves her boldly and enough to act goofy to get her to laugh (even if she reprimands him a little and tries to keep him in line).
As I've gotten older, I've realized even more how rare their relationship is, and how amazing he is as a father. I know he may not be perfect. But when I hear the lack of joy in friends' voices when describing their own dads, or the sometimes heartbreaking stories they have, I really see how blessed I have been. I've never doubted my Dad's love or support. Even when we have had conflict, I have felt completely safe and secure in our relationship. He has modeled the unconditional love of the Lord so well that trusting in Christ was never a stretch for me. It is so natural to believe that God has my best interest at heart when Dad has shown the same type of love in an earthly role. He expected any boy who was interested in me to meet and talk with him first, and he carefully guided me through awkward dating years, because there were some people who just weren't worth wasting my Dad's time. When James asked me out, and I was 20, I could only answer "probably yes" to his question of whether I would go out with him, since he had to meet my Dad first. I was really thankful when he met Dad's approval. I love that my father saved me much heartache by setting that standard.
Then as we grew older and left home, my parents began fostering and had the opportunity to love several additional children who came into their lives. My Mom definitely did the majority of the care and bonding with those babies and young children, and sacrificed energy and sleep for their good. Dad was supportive and fun and helpful when he was able to be around. The fact that he was willing to be a father figure to these children was precious, but has such a deep impact into my life still today, since he was the first example of a father to Isaac. We never would have guessed that our son would come from the foster care system, but I am so thankful that he did and that the only home he ever knew before ours, was with my parents. How perfect and precious is that?!
Then, that brings me to bragging on my husband, and the man I witness being a father daily. When it became apparent that Isaac's birthmom was going to relinquish her rights to him and my Mom told us, James was the one who spoke up and said, "Then we will adopt him!" There was a silence for a minute and I think I responded, "We will?" but it really was a clear leading from God. That moment is something I look back on with such gratitude, because his faith and certainty that God had placed such a sweet tiny baby in our lives for a reason had never crossed our minds till then, but it was so obviously the right thing. I am forever thankful that James had the boldness and willingness to take on parenting a child with unknown needs and a not-so-positive list of issues to address. Becoming a father through adoption is a blessing, no doubt. Choosing to be that dad, aware that it may be challenging with just the stuff that is already known, really takes courage. And courageous is a great word to describe my husband.
James has worked multiple jobs to support us, fully committed to my being able to stay home full-time with our children, and even went back to school twice to become a nurse, and then further that degree while being a husband and father. He takes on challenges with us at the forefront of his mind, and when the jobs have been less than desirable, even menial, he does them out of pure love for his family. He is truly the most selfless human I have ever known. He gives of himself to our family in every way, and loves us fiercely. He encourages me in my crazy ventures, and helps me with housework! Our kids adore him, and long for time with him when he works extra, as he has these past six weeks. I love that they see his example, and my dad's, and know how a man should treat a lady, and honor the Lord, and provide a secure home for his family. Those characteristics are rare and we know it. The older kids have even commented and compared James to other men they see, and remarked how much more kind and fun and sweet he is. I see so much resemblance to my own dad, in him, and that is pretty much more than I could have ever asked for. They are the two greatest men I know and as fathers, no one can equal them. We are are so blessed with the gift of ya'll, and love you very much!!
Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Sunday, October 16, 2011
God's heart
Just jotting down thoughts I read and studied through recently. Another family we know has lost a precious young child. So much grief in this world, and pain that I wish I could erase. A friend sent me the video to this song a while back, and I had to add those lyrics here - another reminder of the hope we have in Him. I hope something in here may touch and encourage any of you that may be hurting today.
Steven Curtis Chapman
Remembering You
I found You in the most unlikely way
But really it was You who found me
And I found myself in the gifts that You gave
You gave me so much and I
I wish You could stay
but I'll, I'll wait for the day
Chorus
And I watch as the cold winter melts into spring
And I'll be remembering You
Oh and I'll smell the flowers and hear the birds sing
and I'll be remembering You, I'll be remembering You
From the first moment when I heard Your name
Something in my heart came alive
You showed me love and no words could explain
A love with the power to
Open the door
To a world I was made for
Chorus
And I watch as the cold winter melts into spring
And I'll be remembering You
Oh and I'll smell the flowers and hear the birds sing
and I'll be remembering You, I'll be remembering You
The dark night, the hard fight
The long climb up the hill knowing the cost
The brave death, the last breathe
The silence whispering all hope was lost
The thunder, the wonder
A power that brings the dead back to life
I wish You could stay
But I'll wait for the day
And though You've gone away
You come back and
Chorus
And I watch as the cold winter melts into spring
And I'll be remembering You
Oh and I'll smell the flowers and hear the birds sing
and I'll be remembering You, I'll be remembering You
And I'll watch as the sun fills a sky that was dark
And I'll be remembering You
And I'll think of the way that You fill up my heart
And I'll be remembering You
I'll be remembering You
Steven Curtis Chapman
Remembering You
I found You in the most unlikely way
But really it was You who found me
And I found myself in the gifts that You gave
You gave me so much and I
I wish You could stay
but I'll, I'll wait for the day
Chorus
And I watch as the cold winter melts into spring
And I'll be remembering You
Oh and I'll smell the flowers and hear the birds sing
and I'll be remembering You, I'll be remembering You
From the first moment when I heard Your name
Something in my heart came alive
You showed me love and no words could explain
A love with the power to
Open the door
To a world I was made for
Chorus
And I watch as the cold winter melts into spring
And I'll be remembering You
Oh and I'll smell the flowers and hear the birds sing
and I'll be remembering You, I'll be remembering You
The dark night, the hard fight
The long climb up the hill knowing the cost
The brave death, the last breathe
The silence whispering all hope was lost
The thunder, the wonder
A power that brings the dead back to life
I wish You could stay
But I'll wait for the day
And though You've gone away
You come back and
Chorus
And I watch as the cold winter melts into spring
And I'll be remembering You
Oh and I'll smell the flowers and hear the birds sing
and I'll be remembering You, I'll be remembering You
And I'll watch as the sun fills a sky that was dark
And I'll be remembering You
And I'll think of the way that You fill up my heart
And I'll be remembering You
I'll be remembering You
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Trials. Joy!
I am learning to be thankful for the trials in life. This sounds crazy - I know. Goodness, there are so many hurts in this world. I just am done
with it most days. Fed up and angry at how sinful we are, how painful
things are for so many I love, and how much I want us to all be HOME. My
eyes have been opened as never before, to how dependent I have to be on
God to make it through the day; as a mom, teacher to my kids, wife,
friend, daughter, and on and on. It's impossible to even be a decent
person without His guidance. I'm so selfish and lazy.
Then, adding to
all that a new character trait that keeps wanting to develop - worry. I've
never been a worrier. I'm not fearful by nature and haven't ever been the type person to things to
death and come up with worst case scenarios. But recently, I sure have
found myself doing that more and more. I know that grieving the loss of
Pop and Granny suddenly within one year was a factor. My two grandfathers' deaths in the same time frame also contributed. I know that
watching two dear families hurt through the deaths of an infant and a
two year old, while I had children the same ages, also profoundly
affected me.
When a lot of people in your life die in a short period of time, you start realizing death isn't as uncommon and rare as you'd like to think. I catch myself pondering, "Huh. Has there been a tragedy this month?" because for a while there, we lost a loved one every couple of weeks. I know - it sounds horribly morbid. I have felt that way for a year now. I don't like it either.
Instead of being my normal, relaxed and
easy-going self, there are days that I have felt overcome with fear. Actually, nights are the worst, as I settle into bed and start replaying what all
transpired that day. I have always had a great imagination. Unfortunately, that can be a negative thing when the mind is weary and thoughts aren't necessarily being directed by pure, godly motives. I think that there is a spiritual war going on, and this may be the area I'm most susceptible right now. I am tired. I don't get full nights of sleep, like-- ever. If I sleep a few hours without being interrupted by Owen, that is HUGE. So, physical weariness, busy thoughts, painful burdens, and difficult memories are not a good combination.
I find myself occasionally veering off into what
could've gone wrong that day, what might have been a tragic ending, and how the
next day probably will not turn out so well. I mean, it's really
ridiculous and aggravates me to no end. I have never been so negative,
and so bothered by my thought life. Another large factor is that my great love for people in my life becomes so consuming, as I have tried to carry their burdens at times. I know that we are called to help one another and encourage and be compassionate. That is easy stuff for me, because people are so dear to me. However, I cannot try to fix everyone's hurts, or heal their scars, or take on their grief. Thankfully, these sweet people do not expect me to do so, and probably don't know that I feel this way. It isn't someone else's doings - just mine. Somewhere in me is this desire to prevent all pain and suffering in others, and I am really having to continually remind myself that I am unable, and not called, to take on that heavy of a responsibility.
The truth is that life is hard. Pain does happen. We are not immune to it, and actually, benefit from it when God allows it to serve a purpose, usually to bring Him glory and to strengthen our faith.
James 1:2-5 - Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
I guess pride is what makes me think I somehow need to help everyone through their struggles. I'm struggling with how to care, without becoming consumed or focused on the wrong thing - me - and to give those burdens to the One who loves them even more. The thing I have to remember is that He gave me this compassionate heart. He made my brain that remembers dates of the deaths of those I love, and the loved ones of my friends. I remember names and connect losses and the anniversaries reappear and I focus on how that remaining family member must hurt to the point that I grieve all over again for them. Why do I love so much? Why can't I just say "I'm so sorry for your loss/struggle, and I'll pray for you" and move along? Obviously, it's not a curse to love folks a whole lot. But, I have to prioritize how much I give of my energy and heart to people outside of the family I am responsible to, and need to be investing in the most.
These issues are problems that even therapy and counseling
hasn't cured, and the only remedy that works is the one that I need to
turn to constantly anyway. Only Scripture and the Truth of hope really calms those thoughts and gives me peace. And, they are not a magic cure-all, but a soothing balm, that gives me something to cling to.
Psalm 34:18-19 - The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all.
So thankful for this truth. Martin Luther, you nailed it.
A mighty fortress is our God,
a bulwark never failing;
our helper he amid the flood
of mortal ills prevailing.
For still our ancient foe
doth seek to work us woe;
his craft and power are great,
and armed with cruel hate,
on earth is not his equal.
Did we in our own strength confide,
our striving would be losing,
were not the right man on our side,
the man of God's own choosing.
Dost ask who that may be?
Christ Jesus, it is he;
Lord Sabaoth, his name,
from age to age the same,
and he must win the battle.
And though this world, with devils filled,
should threaten to undo us,
we will not fear, for God hath willed
his truth to triumph through us.
The Prince of Darkness grim,
we tremble not for him;
his rage we can endure,
for lo, his doom is sure;
one little word shall fell him.
That word above all earthly powers,
no thanks to them, abideth;
the Spirit and the gifts are ours,
thru him who with us sideth.
Let goods and kindred go,
this mortal life also;
the body they may kill;
God's truth abideth still;
his kingdom is forever.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Life these days
So, there is a lot going on, and most of it good. I struggle to find time still to write blog posts. Facebook seems easier, because it's more succinct, though many times, even a short, to-the-point thought is complicated for a wordy person like me. Tonight, as I hear of more friends whose marriages are struggling or who are facing tragedies in their lives, I can identify like never before with the weight of battling to maintain a relationship.
Within the past 18 months, James and I:
-have lost more beloved family members than I can count
-added a family member, our precious Owen Thomas
-witnessed friends' anguish who have lost young children
-completed two semesters of college and a year of a brand new co op with our homeschool
-faced crisis with our eldest child, and continue to seek help from multiple counselors and doctors
-decided God was leading us to offer our home as a rental to a friend, whom accepted, but needs to move in June
-found a home on our second day of looking, made an offer, and appear to be moving all within a month's time
-endured times of laughter till we cried, cried till we laughed, and sometimes just. plain. wept...until we fell asleep
I know plenty of you who have had much scarier scenarios, and continue to deal with health issues, family pain, financial worries, and aren't amused by my list of our 'first world problems'. Believe me, I'm not exaggerating the reality of what we've faced and assuming my life has been harder than many others. Yeah, it's been hard, but we didn't lose our home in a tornado last month, and James still has a great job. I'm SO thankful the other 5 folks in my house are all healthy and together right now. However, James and I have struggled together to adapt to the changes in our lives. These have been hard, hard months for us, and sometimes, we felt like we just couldn't face another wave, but they kept coming.
Our marriage has never felt so vulnerable. Before this year, I never understood how folks would get to the point of divorce and seem so o.k. with it. Even if they weren't happy about the divorce, when there wasn't a specific problem like adultery, I could not understand when they just couldn't deal with each other and felt they'd be better apart. I don't think I was ever really judgmental, but truly would say, "I guess I just can't understand, having never been there."
Well, I have now. I didn't talk about wanting a divorce, and James didn't either. But there were weeks when we didn't talk much about anything, and we were hurting and things were so easily becoming distant and unfeeling.
It's a scary place to be, to just live with the person you promised to live with and love forever, and kinda feel like you don't know who they are or what they're thinking. I hated it, but couldn't fix it. James was mainly grieving his parents' death, so close together, but not ready to really talk a lot. He's not a typical guy in that he does talk, and has always been great at sharing his feelings. This silent, somber person was so foreign to me, and I slowly felt like he was leaving me. At one of the many times I tried to confront him to ask him about his feelings, or what was going on inside him, he replied he was numb and just didn't feel anything. I remember being so angry, and saying, "I WISH I could be numb! Everything hurts me!" I couldn't stop being sad, wanting to process aloud, and work through all my emotions, and just get. it. out. I was bearing so many sad things - every day felt like more depressing bad news and I was overwhelmed with it all.
Thankfully, in his time, James was able to process enough, we saw a grief counselor, and worked through the fatigue, grief, guilt, and regret we felt. We still both miss his parents so much. It's been very hard to not have them to visit, to share their grandkids with, and to know they'll never be here again to make memories with. I hate it. I am so sad, and feel shocked still, sometimes when I catch myself starting to ask, "Have you talked to Pop and Granny today?" The permanence of death is something that is really difficult to get accustomed to, and to walk through this with a spouse and four children has been something for which I've felt very unprepared.
Our precious close friends and my parents have listened, encouraged, checked in, and cheered us on. They've emailed and called, and shared Scripture, and just told us God was going to get us through this time. I honestly know that without that support, we would probably still be stuck in that funk of depression and misery. And, I think that's how others just give up.
If you don't have someone telling you that it is worth fighting through, and you get lost in the temporary pain, it would not make sense to keep hanging in there with someone who isn't so fun.
Neither of us was very likable, but we were committed to keep loving each other, and acting on that love, even when we didn't feel like there was much energy left to invest. We knew our marriage was worth it, we remembered the years of joy and memories, and we loved our kids enough to not just surrender. I haven't ever worried about my marriage, never wanted a divorce, and never do.
Through that time though, I remember just not wanting to feel pain anymore. I realized that I hurt so much because I loved James to the point that I couldn't imagine what life would be like if we never returned to the way we had been. I thought maybe it would hurt less to just not care - not leave, not divorce - just quit caring, and act as roommates. That's so dangerous, and I remember literally feeling my eyes get big as I faced what was going on in my mind. I was very easily succumbing to a belief that is contrary to everything I stand for and have promised to honor with my life.
We have come through these hard times with a renewed dedication to love each other and work (because it IS work) together, when sometimes, it seemed like it would be easier to just say, "I quit. I'm too tired." This man is not just my husband. He has been my dearest friend for half of my life now. It is humbling to say, "Ok, I get it - I HAVE been there" now, in some ways. I hope it makes me more compassionate and gracious, and that never again do we feel so distant. I pray that God continues to strengthen us individually and together, as He has through these trials. Without Him - oh, I don't want to think of where we'd be. And, to our sweet friends and my parents, thank you so much for faithfully loving us when we had hardly any love left to give back.
Tears may last for a night, but JOY comes in the morning.
And, I'm so glad.
How long until You defend Your name and set the record right
And how far will You allow the human race to run and hide
And how much can You tolerate our weaknesses
Before You step into our sky blue and say "That’s quite enough!"
Am I naive to want a remedy for every bitter heart
Can I believe You hold an exclamation point for every question mark
And can I leave the timing of this universe in bigger hands
And may I be so bold to ask You to please hurry?
I hear that a God who’s good would never let the evil run so long
But I say it’s because You’re good You’re giving us more time, yeah
‘Cause I believe that You love to show us mercy
But when will You step into our sky blue
And say "That’s quite enough, and your time is up!"
Am I naive to want a remedy for every bitter heart
Can I believe You hold an exclamation point for every question mark
And can I leave the timing of this universe in bigger hands
And may I be so bold to ask You to please hurry?
Am I naive...
Can I believe...
And can I leave...in bigger hands
And may I be so bold to ask You, to ask You, to ask You
How long?
~Chris Rice~
Within the past 18 months, James and I:
-have lost more beloved family members than I can count
-added a family member, our precious Owen Thomas
-witnessed friends' anguish who have lost young children
-completed two semesters of college and a year of a brand new co op with our homeschool
-faced crisis with our eldest child, and continue to seek help from multiple counselors and doctors
-decided God was leading us to offer our home as a rental to a friend, whom accepted, but needs to move in June
-found a home on our second day of looking, made an offer, and appear to be moving all within a month's time
-endured times of laughter till we cried, cried till we laughed, and sometimes just. plain. wept...until we fell asleep
I know plenty of you who have had much scarier scenarios, and continue to deal with health issues, family pain, financial worries, and aren't amused by my list of our 'first world problems'. Believe me, I'm not exaggerating the reality of what we've faced and assuming my life has been harder than many others. Yeah, it's been hard, but we didn't lose our home in a tornado last month, and James still has a great job. I'm SO thankful the other 5 folks in my house are all healthy and together right now. However, James and I have struggled together to adapt to the changes in our lives. These have been hard, hard months for us, and sometimes, we felt like we just couldn't face another wave, but they kept coming.
Our marriage has never felt so vulnerable. Before this year, I never understood how folks would get to the point of divorce and seem so o.k. with it. Even if they weren't happy about the divorce, when there wasn't a specific problem like adultery, I could not understand when they just couldn't deal with each other and felt they'd be better apart. I don't think I was ever really judgmental, but truly would say, "I guess I just can't understand, having never been there."
Well, I have now. I didn't talk about wanting a divorce, and James didn't either. But there were weeks when we didn't talk much about anything, and we were hurting and things were so easily becoming distant and unfeeling.
It's a scary place to be, to just live with the person you promised to live with and love forever, and kinda feel like you don't know who they are or what they're thinking. I hated it, but couldn't fix it. James was mainly grieving his parents' death, so close together, but not ready to really talk a lot. He's not a typical guy in that he does talk, and has always been great at sharing his feelings. This silent, somber person was so foreign to me, and I slowly felt like he was leaving me. At one of the many times I tried to confront him to ask him about his feelings, or what was going on inside him, he replied he was numb and just didn't feel anything. I remember being so angry, and saying, "I WISH I could be numb! Everything hurts me!" I couldn't stop being sad, wanting to process aloud, and work through all my emotions, and just get. it. out. I was bearing so many sad things - every day felt like more depressing bad news and I was overwhelmed with it all.
Thankfully, in his time, James was able to process enough, we saw a grief counselor, and worked through the fatigue, grief, guilt, and regret we felt. We still both miss his parents so much. It's been very hard to not have them to visit, to share their grandkids with, and to know they'll never be here again to make memories with. I hate it. I am so sad, and feel shocked still, sometimes when I catch myself starting to ask, "Have you talked to Pop and Granny today?" The permanence of death is something that is really difficult to get accustomed to, and to walk through this with a spouse and four children has been something for which I've felt very unprepared.
Our precious close friends and my parents have listened, encouraged, checked in, and cheered us on. They've emailed and called, and shared Scripture, and just told us God was going to get us through this time. I honestly know that without that support, we would probably still be stuck in that funk of depression and misery. And, I think that's how others just give up.
If you don't have someone telling you that it is worth fighting through, and you get lost in the temporary pain, it would not make sense to keep hanging in there with someone who isn't so fun.
Neither of us was very likable, but we were committed to keep loving each other, and acting on that love, even when we didn't feel like there was much energy left to invest. We knew our marriage was worth it, we remembered the years of joy and memories, and we loved our kids enough to not just surrender. I haven't ever worried about my marriage, never wanted a divorce, and never do.
Through that time though, I remember just not wanting to feel pain anymore. I realized that I hurt so much because I loved James to the point that I couldn't imagine what life would be like if we never returned to the way we had been. I thought maybe it would hurt less to just not care - not leave, not divorce - just quit caring, and act as roommates. That's so dangerous, and I remember literally feeling my eyes get big as I faced what was going on in my mind. I was very easily succumbing to a belief that is contrary to everything I stand for and have promised to honor with my life.
We have come through these hard times with a renewed dedication to love each other and work (because it IS work) together, when sometimes, it seemed like it would be easier to just say, "I quit. I'm too tired." This man is not just my husband. He has been my dearest friend for half of my life now. It is humbling to say, "Ok, I get it - I HAVE been there" now, in some ways. I hope it makes me more compassionate and gracious, and that never again do we feel so distant. I pray that God continues to strengthen us individually and together, as He has through these trials. Without Him - oh, I don't want to think of where we'd be. And, to our sweet friends and my parents, thank you so much for faithfully loving us when we had hardly any love left to give back.
Tears may last for a night, but JOY comes in the morning.
And, I'm so glad.
How long until You defend Your name and set the record right
And how far will You allow the human race to run and hide
And how much can You tolerate our weaknesses
Before You step into our sky blue and say "That’s quite enough!"
Am I naive to want a remedy for every bitter heart
Can I believe You hold an exclamation point for every question mark
And can I leave the timing of this universe in bigger hands
And may I be so bold to ask You to please hurry?
I hear that a God who’s good would never let the evil run so long
But I say it’s because You’re good You’re giving us more time, yeah
‘Cause I believe that You love to show us mercy
But when will You step into our sky blue
And say "That’s quite enough, and your time is up!"
Am I naive to want a remedy for every bitter heart
Can I believe You hold an exclamation point for every question mark
And can I leave the timing of this universe in bigger hands
And may I be so bold to ask You to please hurry?
Am I naive...
Can I believe...
And can I leave...in bigger hands
And may I be so bold to ask You, to ask You, to ask You
How long?
~Chris Rice~
Thursday, February 03, 2011
Another Song
Lately, I don't always have the words for how I feel, and then God sends a song to encourage me or at least help me process what I'm feeling. Here is a great one today that I read on the facebook page of a late professor of ours who died this past year. The lyrics are perfect in so many ways.
I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.
...But once again, I say amen, and it's still raining.
And as the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away...
Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You and raised me up again
My strength is almost gone, how can I carry on
if I can't find You
And as the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away...
Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.
...But once again, I say amen, and it's still raining.
And as the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away...
Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You and raised me up again
My strength is almost gone, how can I carry on
if I can't find You
And as the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away...
Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
Monday, December 27, 2010
Reflecting on grief
I have been sick for days...yeah, during the week of unarguably the hardest holiday season I have ever faced, following the most difficult year of my life. It has not been fun to struggle with the emotion of Granny's death just a week ago, along with fever virus, congestion, hacking cough, etc. However, I honestly have come to a place of gratefulness that it's super cold and I don't feel well enough to get out and do much, so have lots of time to hibernate and think. And, it's been good to think through so many emotions swirling around in my heart and head.
I was talking to a friend tonight about the sadness of missing James' mom, and other loved ones, and how it's been hard to just let myself grieve. As a mom of four kids, I feel like there is no time to really let my guard down and cry much, or embrace the sadness of a moment that hits out of nowhere. I have repeatedly thought of the quote by Claire in Elizabethtown, "I want you to get into the deep beautiful melancholy of everything that's happened," as she tells the main character who is grieving the loss of his dad.
I love those words. There is a beauty in facing grief and dealing with it, and acknowledging how much one hurts, and just how a loss matters and affects us deeply. It's beautiful, because it means someone meant so very much that it hurts horribly now that they are gone.
So, at times, I have cried and just mourned those I miss this Christmas. I have also at times felt some self-imposed restraint, like I couldn't really face the sadness head on, because I'm a happy, optimistic person by nature. I told this friend that I struggle with letting myself be sad. I don't want to appear to be wallowing in misery, or depressed, or super melancholy, because I am naturally joyful and love life, and want people to see that joy in me. I guess I've been afraid that if someone catches me on a day I'm really struggling, then they may think I'm having some kind of crisis of faith or feel desperately overwhelmed. There is a line between focusing on grief for a selfish preoccupation, versus just admitting that my life has a void in some areas now, because Pop and Granny and others are no longer sharing it. I'm struggling figuring all this out.
We are actually going to some counseling as a family now, to help us all work through these emotions. After suffering many losses this year, the kids and James and I all feel like we could use advice and encouragement on how to process these emotions. I feel such relief, just knowing that we are going to see folks who are equipped to handle whatever I feel, and that they won't assume I'm horribly depressed if I happen to need to cry a lot. Let me clarify too - none of my friends have criticized my response to these losses, so no person is the reason I am in this predicament of grieving confusion. It's just my personality I think, trying to ensure others are always comfortable and that I can be strong for them, so I'm trying to hold it together. I have been able to cry alone, with James, and with numerous friends, and think I'm decently handling the different feelings right now. However, I can see a tendency to NOT let myself go there, and that is something I'm working on.
Tonight, I played the piano. I don't make time for that much, and needed to tonight. The songs I played were all by Rich Mullins, who is my favorite artist ever. This song is old, but the lyrics are really as great now as they were when I first heard it as a teenager. Such simple and true words, and such hope. Life is going to be filled with hurt, and pain. Psalm 34 says that "Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all." I'm so glad He is there, and He can take my questions, and my tears, and my moments of wallowing, if I need to do that too.
There's bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain't nothing to be afraid of
There's bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain't no reason to fear
I know there's bound to come some trouble to your life
But reach out to Jesus, hold on tight
He's been there before and He knows what it's like
You'll find He's there.
There's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
That ain't nothing to be ashamed of
I know there's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
That ain't no reason to fear
I know there's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
Reach out to Jesus, hold on tight
He's been there before and He knows what it's like
You'll find He's there.
Now, people say maybe things will get better
People say maybe it won't be long
And people say maybe you'll wake up tomorrow
And it'll all be gone
Well I only know that maybes just ain't enough
When you need something to hold on
There's only one thing that's clear...
I know there's bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain't nothing to be afraid of
I know there's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
That ain't no reason to fear
I know there's bound to come some trouble to your life
Reach out to Jesus, hold on tight
He's been there before and He knows what it's like
You'll find He's there.
I was talking to a friend tonight about the sadness of missing James' mom, and other loved ones, and how it's been hard to just let myself grieve. As a mom of four kids, I feel like there is no time to really let my guard down and cry much, or embrace the sadness of a moment that hits out of nowhere. I have repeatedly thought of the quote by Claire in Elizabethtown, "I want you to get into the deep beautiful melancholy of everything that's happened," as she tells the main character who is grieving the loss of his dad.
I love those words. There is a beauty in facing grief and dealing with it, and acknowledging how much one hurts, and just how a loss matters and affects us deeply. It's beautiful, because it means someone meant so very much that it hurts horribly now that they are gone.
So, at times, I have cried and just mourned those I miss this Christmas. I have also at times felt some self-imposed restraint, like I couldn't really face the sadness head on, because I'm a happy, optimistic person by nature. I told this friend that I struggle with letting myself be sad. I don't want to appear to be wallowing in misery, or depressed, or super melancholy, because I am naturally joyful and love life, and want people to see that joy in me. I guess I've been afraid that if someone catches me on a day I'm really struggling, then they may think I'm having some kind of crisis of faith or feel desperately overwhelmed. There is a line between focusing on grief for a selfish preoccupation, versus just admitting that my life has a void in some areas now, because Pop and Granny and others are no longer sharing it. I'm struggling figuring all this out.
We are actually going to some counseling as a family now, to help us all work through these emotions. After suffering many losses this year, the kids and James and I all feel like we could use advice and encouragement on how to process these emotions. I feel such relief, just knowing that we are going to see folks who are equipped to handle whatever I feel, and that they won't assume I'm horribly depressed if I happen to need to cry a lot. Let me clarify too - none of my friends have criticized my response to these losses, so no person is the reason I am in this predicament of grieving confusion. It's just my personality I think, trying to ensure others are always comfortable and that I can be strong for them, so I'm trying to hold it together. I have been able to cry alone, with James, and with numerous friends, and think I'm decently handling the different feelings right now. However, I can see a tendency to NOT let myself go there, and that is something I'm working on.
Tonight, I played the piano. I don't make time for that much, and needed to tonight. The songs I played were all by Rich Mullins, who is my favorite artist ever. This song is old, but the lyrics are really as great now as they were when I first heard it as a teenager. Such simple and true words, and such hope. Life is going to be filled with hurt, and pain. Psalm 34 says that "Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all." I'm so glad He is there, and He can take my questions, and my tears, and my moments of wallowing, if I need to do that too.
There's bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain't nothing to be afraid of
There's bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain't no reason to fear
I know there's bound to come some trouble to your life
But reach out to Jesus, hold on tight
He's been there before and He knows what it's like
You'll find He's there.
There's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
That ain't nothing to be ashamed of
I know there's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
That ain't no reason to fear
I know there's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
Reach out to Jesus, hold on tight
He's been there before and He knows what it's like
You'll find He's there.
Now, people say maybe things will get better
People say maybe it won't be long
And people say maybe you'll wake up tomorrow
And it'll all be gone
Well I only know that maybes just ain't enough
When you need something to hold on
There's only one thing that's clear...
I know there's bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain't nothing to be afraid of
I know there's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
That ain't no reason to fear
I know there's bound to come some trouble to your life
Reach out to Jesus, hold on tight
He's been there before and He knows what it's like
You'll find He's there.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
An inspiration to us all
The article below was in The War Eagle Reader yesterday. My brother read it first and happened to call it to our attention, because the guy in the featured story, Lee Carpenter, was a classmate of my Dad's throughout high school. Dad played center to Lee's position at quarterback for the Childersburg High School Tigers. This is what Dad said when I asked him to verify that:
Lee was the kind of guy who made an impression on others, even as a teenager. His character and faith were a strong testimony to my Dad, who was searching and didn't become a Christian until a few years after high school. Lee's life hasn't been an easy one, but God has used him mightily through the trials he's faced. With talent and passion to pursue a career in teaching and coaching, Lee could've been resentful or bitter when he became ill. He could've given up, and not many would've blamed him. He instead chose to continue to live, and to "live a life worthy of the calling," (Ephesians 4:1) to make a difference in his family and others, and I know has pleased his Lord greatly.
When life is overwhelming with small, and yeah, even sometimes large issues, this man continues to be an inspiration to our family. I'm so thankful to know him, and grateful God has given him many years to continue being a light to others. Please read it and let it encourage you, that no matter what difficulties come in your life, God can still use you and will, if you choose to let him. Lee Carpenter may not be able to physically do anything beyond blink his eyes, but the strength he exhibits daily rivals anything I've ever known. It's truly from God, and is just awesome.
http://www.thewareaglereader.com/2009/12/lee-carpenters-wonderful-life/
Yes, I was for three years: B team to A team. Lee was the QB thru most of our years. He was the starter two years and was named super all state as a senior…the best QB in Alabama. He also kicked extra points and punted. He could throw it and ran the triple option well, which meant he would run it as good as anyone. He was also a starter on the Basketball team, a starter on the baseball team, Mr. CHS, and the Valedictorian. One of the nicest guys I ever met…and he had a great laugh. One of my life heroes, but you knew that.
Lee was the kind of guy who made an impression on others, even as a teenager. His character and faith were a strong testimony to my Dad, who was searching and didn't become a Christian until a few years after high school. Lee's life hasn't been an easy one, but God has used him mightily through the trials he's faced. With talent and passion to pursue a career in teaching and coaching, Lee could've been resentful or bitter when he became ill. He could've given up, and not many would've blamed him. He instead chose to continue to live, and to "live a life worthy of the calling," (Ephesians 4:1) to make a difference in his family and others, and I know has pleased his Lord greatly.
When life is overwhelming with small, and yeah, even sometimes large issues, this man continues to be an inspiration to our family. I'm so thankful to know him, and grateful God has given him many years to continue being a light to others. Please read it and let it encourage you, that no matter what difficulties come in your life, God can still use you and will, if you choose to let him. Lee Carpenter may not be able to physically do anything beyond blink his eyes, but the strength he exhibits daily rivals anything I've ever known. It's truly from God, and is just awesome.
http://www.thewareaglereader.com/2009/12/lee-carpenters-wonderful-life/
Monday, July 20, 2009
The Dixon family
Please remember this family, who are dear friends, in your prayers this week. Mike is nearing the end of his life's journey, and it's a heartbreaking time for those of us who here who love him. His young wife, and baby, as well as their parents and siblings, appreciate our prayers for their peace and comfort, while they see their loved one struggle. Mike has absolute peace that he is at this point, and his faith is an amazing thing to read of here:
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mikedixon
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mikedixon
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Stretching, Part IV
Read previous entry to catch up if you don't know what's going on...
We went into today's appointment for a follow-up ultrasound fully prepared (as well as we could be) for confirmation that the pregnancy wasn't going to last, and for the next step to possibly be surgery. Though I have continued to feel very pregnant, with fatigue, nausea, hunger, and other weird, normal symptoms, I told myself repeatedly to guard my heart and remember that my body would still do this, even if there wasn't an actual baby growing. Abigail had steadfastly reminded us that she, Isaac, and Elijah were all miracle babies, and that God could choose to give us another miracle. I agreed it was possible, but tried to prepare her for the possibility that He may not give us another baby at this time. It has been hard to balance faith with reality, and believing God is capable of a miracle, when science is giving all indications that is unlikely and improbable.
However, I am so grateful, shocked, humbled, and amazed, to present to you, our fourth miracle:
As soon as the sonographer began the scan, I saw the flickering heartbeat, and a tiny little being. She happily announced, "I see a baby!" James laughed outloud, while I cried for joy. We are beyond thankful, and truly overwhelmed by God's graciousness to our family. He has strengthened us this past week through so many kind prayers and words of encouragement, and I know we would have been all right if today's news hadn't been so wonderful. Even now, we know that especially this early in a pregnancy, there are still things that could happen. But for now, we are rejoicing and celebrating that early in 2010, it appears that we will be parents again.
Our sweet daughter's faith has been an example to us all, and we are now awaiting the determination of whether this will be the little sister she's been praying for. If so, we have a very fitting name for the little stinker, who hid from sight last week. :-) I'm starting a new baby blog, and updates will be coming on that site, if you'd like to check in as our little one grows. The new address is http://ourbonusbaby.blogspot.com.
We went into today's appointment for a follow-up ultrasound fully prepared (as well as we could be) for confirmation that the pregnancy wasn't going to last, and for the next step to possibly be surgery. Though I have continued to feel very pregnant, with fatigue, nausea, hunger, and other weird, normal symptoms, I told myself repeatedly to guard my heart and remember that my body would still do this, even if there wasn't an actual baby growing. Abigail had steadfastly reminded us that she, Isaac, and Elijah were all miracle babies, and that God could choose to give us another miracle. I agreed it was possible, but tried to prepare her for the possibility that He may not give us another baby at this time. It has been hard to balance faith with reality, and believing God is capable of a miracle, when science is giving all indications that is unlikely and improbable.
However, I am so grateful, shocked, humbled, and amazed, to present to you, our fourth miracle:
As soon as the sonographer began the scan, I saw the flickering heartbeat, and a tiny little being. She happily announced, "I see a baby!" James laughed outloud, while I cried for joy. We are beyond thankful, and truly overwhelmed by God's graciousness to our family. He has strengthened us this past week through so many kind prayers and words of encouragement, and I know we would have been all right if today's news hadn't been so wonderful. Even now, we know that especially this early in a pregnancy, there are still things that could happen. But for now, we are rejoicing and celebrating that early in 2010, it appears that we will be parents again.
Our sweet daughter's faith has been an example to us all, and we are now awaiting the determination of whether this will be the little sister she's been praying for. If so, we have a very fitting name for the little stinker, who hid from sight last week. :-) I'm starting a new baby blog, and updates will be coming on that site, if you'd like to check in as our little one grows. The new address is http://ourbonusbaby.blogspot.com.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Stretching, Part III
This entry in the whole "Stretching" theme has been the hardest to write. Even as I type, I don't know what the outcome may be in a few more days. The main point of it is that for years, James and I have longed to enlarge our family through adoption. We felt that if we had a baby after Abigail, then we would adopt a few years later. When it took several years to get pregnant again, and to have Elijah, we almost gave up hope and assumed that maybe we were only supposed to be the parents of two children. When Elijah was born though, it just felt like things were falling into place, and that meant that we would now adopt a daughter, and our family would be complete. The last few months though, I have felt my heart in a little turmoil. As much as I have always longed to adopt, I started having second thoughts, and doubts about whether we were supposed to add to our family again. I mentioned some of my thinking to James recently, who responded he did feel that we were not yet complete, so it just must not be the right time. I couldn't figure out how the logistics of money and time and housing were all going to be answered, but haven't felt too pressured either. I just didn't want Elijah to be so old that we would be starting all over after completely finishing the baby phase again. I have resolved to just pray and ask God to make it clear what He would have us do. We have been very upfront as a family that we intended to be a family of 4, so the kids even ask when we are getting our little sister, and we just keep telling them that we don't know yet.
Then, just over a week ago, I had a positive pregnancy test. I had been in denial all week that I might be pregnant, but finally caved and took a test. I cannot tell you how shocked and confused I was when I first saw that line show up. I was almost sick at my stomach, because I imagined our family and friends looking at us like we were crazy. We are struggling feeling so crammed in our house right now, and financially, we weren't prepared to add to our family again so soon. I won't go into the details of how I couldn't even believe how I could've gotten pregnant, but especially considering how hard it has been to get pregnant in the past, it was just crazy this would happen when we least expected it - or even wanted it. After the first days of shock wore off, the news started settling in, and we started getting excited. We agreed to wait and tell our family and friends until around Father's Day. By then, I would have a dr. appt. and ultrasound, and more confirmation that things were going well, and it was really happening.
My appointment didn't exactly go that way though. The ultrasound didn't show an embryo, just an empty sack. Dr. McK said that it was possible that we were just a few days too early to see the forming baby, but once my bloodwork came back and was a very high HCG number, it seemed more likely that things were not developing normally. There was much sadness and frustration, as I asked God why He'd even tease us with a pregnancy, if it wasn't really going to end up with a baby. I mean, we weren't asking for a baby or anything, so why get our hopes up, to just crush them? I don't have all those answers yet, but am trusting that God has a purpose in allowing us to be stretched again. There is also the eternal optimist in me that says there is hope that things will turn out just fine, that this bonus baby will be born, and add to our family just like we imagined a fourth child would - we just never dreamed it would be of our own flesh and blood.
We appreciate that several of you who already know this news have been such strong warriors in prayer for our family. This is how I ended the email telling folks our heart's desire in all this...
It has been a hard few days, and I have been super emotional at times, but now am better emotionally, just really nauseated! We have explained things to the kids in simple terms and they have been so sweet. They are concerned about what is going to happen Thursday, and keep asking, "How long till we know if there is a baby?" :-) Abigail has reminded me how just last week, she started praying for a baby sister, so she is very hopeful that her prayer is being answered. We really do not want her to think God has ignored her if this pregnancy doesn't work out, so are trying to teach them that we want God's plan, not ours, and that we just don't know what that may be. It is hard to wait. After years of waiting to getting pregnant, we should be better at it by now though!
Thank you for praying with us for God to do what will ultimately allow us to be the best witness of His glory. Unless something changes before then, we will update you Thursday after the appointment. We love you.
Then, just over a week ago, I had a positive pregnancy test. I had been in denial all week that I might be pregnant, but finally caved and took a test. I cannot tell you how shocked and confused I was when I first saw that line show up. I was almost sick at my stomach, because I imagined our family and friends looking at us like we were crazy. We are struggling feeling so crammed in our house right now, and financially, we weren't prepared to add to our family again so soon. I won't go into the details of how I couldn't even believe how I could've gotten pregnant, but especially considering how hard it has been to get pregnant in the past, it was just crazy this would happen when we least expected it - or even wanted it. After the first days of shock wore off, the news started settling in, and we started getting excited. We agreed to wait and tell our family and friends until around Father's Day. By then, I would have a dr. appt. and ultrasound, and more confirmation that things were going well, and it was really happening.
My appointment didn't exactly go that way though. The ultrasound didn't show an embryo, just an empty sack. Dr. McK said that it was possible that we were just a few days too early to see the forming baby, but once my bloodwork came back and was a very high HCG number, it seemed more likely that things were not developing normally. There was much sadness and frustration, as I asked God why He'd even tease us with a pregnancy, if it wasn't really going to end up with a baby. I mean, we weren't asking for a baby or anything, so why get our hopes up, to just crush them? I don't have all those answers yet, but am trusting that God has a purpose in allowing us to be stretched again. There is also the eternal optimist in me that says there is hope that things will turn out just fine, that this bonus baby will be born, and add to our family just like we imagined a fourth child would - we just never dreamed it would be of our own flesh and blood.
We appreciate that several of you who already know this news have been such strong warriors in prayer for our family. This is how I ended the email telling folks our heart's desire in all this...
It has been a hard few days, and I have been super emotional at times, but now am better emotionally, just really nauseated! We have explained things to the kids in simple terms and they have been so sweet. They are concerned about what is going to happen Thursday, and keep asking, "How long till we know if there is a baby?" :-) Abigail has reminded me how just last week, she started praying for a baby sister, so she is very hopeful that her prayer is being answered. We really do not want her to think God has ignored her if this pregnancy doesn't work out, so are trying to teach them that we want God's plan, not ours, and that we just don't know what that may be. It is hard to wait. After years of waiting to getting pregnant, we should be better at it by now though!
Thank you for praying with us for God to do what will ultimately allow us to be the best witness of His glory. Unless something changes before then, we will update you Thursday after the appointment. We love you.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Stretching, Part II
So, James has been back in the NICU for about five months now. He switched back after working on the Crirical Care Transport Team for nearly a year. Though he loved the work on Transport, the longer shifts, and some issues there made it really hard on our family for a while. After a lot of discussion and prayer, we decided it was worth going back to work in the Unit again. It has been a hard road. James has missed flying especially, and the NICU isn't the same since they have nearly doubled in size of patients and nurses. He has had less challenging patients, since there are so many more employees to split the most critical babies between, and has felt like he was just not being used to the best of his abilities. Though I knew he was struggling with discouragement, I didn't want to think of another change, and am ashamed to admit my reaction several weeks ago when he tried to broach the subject. I burst into tears, and said I just couldn't talk about it right then. My dear husband kindly gave me a few days to think and process, and the next conversation went much better. He is such a kind man, and unselfish husband, because he really wanted to hear my opinion and depended on me to tell him the truth about my view of the potential job change. We are forever doing "Pros/Cons" lists, and I had a few on each.
The Pros for CCT were:
* James loves Transport b/c it is challenging and exciting. He is THE person flying to get a patient, with only a Respiratory Therapist as a partner, so it is major responsibility, and use of many skills to care for the patient aboard a helicopter usually (or jet or ambulance).
* His partner is great and they are a good team.
* Former frustrating (hospital politics) issues are no longer a factor, so when not on a call, he can rest. If he does, when he comes home, he is awake and with us!
Cons:
* 12 hour shifts require him to leave around 6 pm, 7 nights a week.
* Increased danger (helicopter or jet or ambulance crashing)
* If they run calls all night, he still has to sleep when he comes home, and we really have zero time with him.
* I have to do the bedtime routine with all three children, which is a challenge, since they do not go to sleep easily at all.
Pros for the NICU:
* Several close friends add to the enjoyment of the job.
* He is great at caring for sick babies.
* Shorter, 11-7 shift enables him to be here through dinner, bath, and bedtime with the kids.
* Danger pretty non-existent.
Cons:
* Job is less challenging due to the changes in the unit's size.
* Always up all night, so must sleep all day.
There was no clear right or wrong choice. It came down to what we felt God was telling us to do. We prayed for peace about it all, and God truly enabled me to be fine with James' going back to CCT. He didn't manipulate or convince me. I just knew that while he is able to do this job he loves, I want to encourage him. Since he provides for our whole family, I am glad he can do what he loves, and it allows me the privilege to be able to stay home and be a wife and mom. It was not even hard to agree, because I knew that James really wanted the best for our family, and would accept it if I really had a problem. We are working hard on getting the kids to go to bed without the long, drawn out routine that it has become, really because of our lack of discipline. We needed to deal with that anyway, so now have more motivation.
This whole scenario was hard for me, because it does take me beyond my comfortable, known routine of nearly five years of the 11-7 NICU shift James has worked. It's good to stretch though, when you love someone - and he is so worth it. So, July 9th, my husband will be back to flying on that helicopter, and I'm very happy for him! We would appreciate your prayers for his safety, and our adjustment back to the evenings without him. Especially, please ask for good sleep for my kiddos!
The Pros for CCT were:
* James loves Transport b/c it is challenging and exciting. He is THE person flying to get a patient, with only a Respiratory Therapist as a partner, so it is major responsibility, and use of many skills to care for the patient aboard a helicopter usually (or jet or ambulance).
* His partner is great and they are a good team.
* Former frustrating (hospital politics) issues are no longer a factor, so when not on a call, he can rest. If he does, when he comes home, he is awake and with us!
Cons:
* 12 hour shifts require him to leave around 6 pm, 7 nights a week.
* Increased danger (helicopter or jet or ambulance crashing)
* If they run calls all night, he still has to sleep when he comes home, and we really have zero time with him.
* I have to do the bedtime routine with all three children, which is a challenge, since they do not go to sleep easily at all.
Pros for the NICU:
* Several close friends add to the enjoyment of the job.
* He is great at caring for sick babies.
* Shorter, 11-7 shift enables him to be here through dinner, bath, and bedtime with the kids.
* Danger pretty non-existent.
Cons:
* Job is less challenging due to the changes in the unit's size.
* Always up all night, so must sleep all day.
There was no clear right or wrong choice. It came down to what we felt God was telling us to do. We prayed for peace about it all, and God truly enabled me to be fine with James' going back to CCT. He didn't manipulate or convince me. I just knew that while he is able to do this job he loves, I want to encourage him. Since he provides for our whole family, I am glad he can do what he loves, and it allows me the privilege to be able to stay home and be a wife and mom. It was not even hard to agree, because I knew that James really wanted the best for our family, and would accept it if I really had a problem. We are working hard on getting the kids to go to bed without the long, drawn out routine that it has become, really because of our lack of discipline. We needed to deal with that anyway, so now have more motivation.
This whole scenario was hard for me, because it does take me beyond my comfortable, known routine of nearly five years of the 11-7 NICU shift James has worked. It's good to stretch though, when you love someone - and he is so worth it. So, July 9th, my husband will be back to flying on that helicopter, and I'm very happy for him! We would appreciate your prayers for his safety, and our adjustment back to the evenings without him. Especially, please ask for good sleep for my kiddos!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Please pray for Cassi
Please pray for the Schuttinga family. Cassidy and her family are dear friends of ours at church. Cassi will be 4 years old this month, and she has fought with cancer almost constantly, since she was diagnosed at 11 weeks old. This darling little girl is brave and full of life, even as she battles daily. Please pray for their continued peace and patience, since barring a miracle, they are preparing for this final stage of the journey. You can read Cassi's story here: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/cassidy
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Just a plug
This is completely a plug for an album/band you need to hear if you at all enjoy music. Here is an article about Red Mountain Music's Christmas CD, and a concert to come, for those of you in the Birmingham area. Brian T. Murphy, who is the interviewee, was a roommate of my brother's at Auburn, and is a gifted person in many ways. I have two of the Red Mtn. albums, and am currently wearing them out on frequent rotation on my stereo at home. You can listen to clips from Silent Night, the Christmas album, and all of the others, here. The simple beauty of their versions of Christmas carols is haunting.I love Brian's explanation on their website of the philosophy of why they are passionately re-introducing hymns to a generation that has never heard many of these songs. It is also so encouraging to hear hymns being valued for the poetry and depth they contain. The truth in them, and the faith they were built upon, is inspiring, and transcends hundreds of years.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
O.k., you have my attention
Last night I flipped to July in a calendar that was given to me by a former student. Every year he sends me one for Christmas and they have gorgeous nature photographs and Scripture. This week's verse was especially beautiful, and I just read it over and over. It's one of those that is worded so pretty, but hints at something even deeper I might need to really delve into - does that make sense?
So, I just sat down this morning to nurse Elijah before his nap, and check blogs. I read Angie's post first. And, what do you know - at the end was the same Scripture as the last thing I read before bed last night! I wish you could've seen my eyes bug out of my head. I'm thinking I need to ponder this awhile.
So, I just sat down this morning to nurse Elijah before his nap, and check blogs. I read Angie's post first. And, what do you know - at the end was the same Scripture as the last thing I read before bed last night! I wish you could've seen my eyes bug out of my head. I'm thinking I need to ponder this awhile.
The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Answered Prayer?
Well, I asked you in my last post to pray that Isaac would be able to have his long cast removed and a short one put on his leg instead. God did answer our prayers, just with a "no" this time. I didn't handle that news too well, and was so disappointed yesterday. After a few crying spells and a total pity party yesterday, today I'm feeling much more like myself. To his credit, Isaac accepted the news with not one complaint. I could take a lesson in patience from him at times. I am sure that he'll have moments of frustration at his limitations in the coming days, as we've dealt with over these past few weeks, but his attitude has been great overall since yesterday's time in the OR. My sweet friend who said, "Well, it's just two more weeks," may have gotten her head bitten off when I responded, "No, it's not! It's FIVE total weeks of not walking, or bike riding, or swimming, or playing outside!" I have since apologized and calmed down, and gained a little perspective, thankfully. My sweet mom and husband bore the brunt of my emotional upheaval yesterday with godly, sympathetic hearts, and just let me be disappointed. They didn't tell me to get over it, or try to fix things, or even compare our situation to those much less fortunate. They just loved me and listened. Isn't that a gift? They must've been hoping I would be able to get a grip eventually, and plenty of you were praying for us, because by the evening, I was so much more rational and accepting. I know that God is allowing this healing to take a while for a reason, that he is working in all of our lives through the inconvenience and pain and difficulty, and that we probably don't see all that right now. I trust Him though. He knows that right now, when James is training in a different position at work, and gone for 14 hours a day, that I'm more tired than normal, more lonely without my best friend around, and that I'm having to lean on Him even more. That may be the point exactly. *sigh* Like Amy says, I better learn the lesson now, so I don't have to be taught it again and again.
In 2 weeks, we'll go back, to Dr. K's office this time instead of the hospital, and Isaac will be put in a short cast or a temporary walking shoe to protect and support his leg as it completely heals. We're looking forward to the day, and are already making plans to make the best of these next couple of weeks. And, I'm going to try to learn my lesson and not waiver, even when I'm tired. I've got (at least) 3 people watching everything I do and noticing every reaction. I have too many blessings and miracles surrounding me to be focused on the one thing that is difficult in my life. And, like Isaac said at 5:30 this morning, "That's a beautiful sunshine outside today." :-)
In 2 weeks, we'll go back, to Dr. K's office this time instead of the hospital, and Isaac will be put in a short cast or a temporary walking shoe to protect and support his leg as it completely heals. We're looking forward to the day, and are already making plans to make the best of these next couple of weeks. And, I'm going to try to learn my lesson and not waiver, even when I'm tired. I've got (at least) 3 people watching everything I do and noticing every reaction. I have too many blessings and miracles surrounding me to be focused on the one thing that is difficult in my life. And, like Isaac said at 5:30 this morning, "That's a beautiful sunshine outside today." :-)
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
10 years ago
Watch this when you have 6 minutes. (If you can't watch the video, you can scroll the thumbnail pictures instead).
On April 8, 1998, an F-5 tornado struck an area west of Birmingham, and did horrific damage and caused many fatalities. James and I lived literally just down the road about a half-mile from a great deal of the homes that were destroyed. Reminiscing over that night and the following months of recovery really remind me of how fortunate we are to have escaped any damage to our home or health, and his entire family, who lives in the same area, were also blessed and totally unharmed. During the storm, James and I were home together, and we huddled in our tiny house, with his arms wrapped around me, and I cried while he prayed aloud that God would protect us. The noise of that tornado was louder than a train bearing down on us, though that is the closest metaphor I can use to describe the overwhelming sound as it neared, and then passed by us. Since James was then working full-time as a paramedic, he was called in to work that night as soon as we knew the tornado had passed. He stood and directed traffic on the main highway in the rain all night till sunrise, as relief efforts began, and folks tried to find loved ones.
When he came home that next morning and I was preparing to leave for work, he said he really didn't want me to go to work. I asked if it was because it would be difficult to drive through that area, as far as obstacles on the road were concerned, or what. He replied that the roads were clear, but that it was going to be very emotional, because the neighborhoods all along the highway were so devastated. He was right. I sobbed as I saw the aftermath of that storm. I will never get over the way it looked then, and for weeks and weeks following, as National Guard convoys lined the highway and worked all hours of the day, trying to do rescue and recovery. The rebuilding did eventually happen, but lives were lost and changed forever as a result. This video by the Birmingham News is well-done and shows footage of what we witnessed for so long afterwards. It's humbling to realize we were spared when those just over the hill were not, and that many of you have witnessed similar and worse events through hurricanes and other disasters. What a powerful God we have, who can control the sun and storms, and gives us shelter from them - both weather-related storms, and the struggles of life.
On April 8, 1998, an F-5 tornado struck an area west of Birmingham, and did horrific damage and caused many fatalities. James and I lived literally just down the road about a half-mile from a great deal of the homes that were destroyed. Reminiscing over that night and the following months of recovery really remind me of how fortunate we are to have escaped any damage to our home or health, and his entire family, who lives in the same area, were also blessed and totally unharmed. During the storm, James and I were home together, and we huddled in our tiny house, with his arms wrapped around me, and I cried while he prayed aloud that God would protect us. The noise of that tornado was louder than a train bearing down on us, though that is the closest metaphor I can use to describe the overwhelming sound as it neared, and then passed by us. Since James was then working full-time as a paramedic, he was called in to work that night as soon as we knew the tornado had passed. He stood and directed traffic on the main highway in the rain all night till sunrise, as relief efforts began, and folks tried to find loved ones.
When he came home that next morning and I was preparing to leave for work, he said he really didn't want me to go to work. I asked if it was because it would be difficult to drive through that area, as far as obstacles on the road were concerned, or what. He replied that the roads were clear, but that it was going to be very emotional, because the neighborhoods all along the highway were so devastated. He was right. I sobbed as I saw the aftermath of that storm. I will never get over the way it looked then, and for weeks and weeks following, as National Guard convoys lined the highway and worked all hours of the day, trying to do rescue and recovery. The rebuilding did eventually happen, but lives were lost and changed forever as a result. This video by the Birmingham News is well-done and shows footage of what we witnessed for so long afterwards. It's humbling to realize we were spared when those just over the hill were not, and that many of you have witnessed similar and worse events through hurricanes and other disasters. What a powerful God we have, who can control the sun and storms, and gives us shelter from them - both weather-related storms, and the struggles of life.
Monday, April 07, 2008
Prayer for the Smith family
I just wanted to share something and hope you can find time to check this out, or at least pray for the Smith family. Through a weird way, on a blog I've subscribed to for a long time, I learned something about the guy in the Christian music group, Selah. He (Todd Smith) originally started the group with his sister (Nicol). I've loved their music for years, and even quoted lyrics from a great song they do on my blog this Easter.
Anyway, Todd is married to Angie, and they have 3 girls, and she lost their 4th today. The baby's name is Audrey Caroline, and she had multiple defects and problems that they were aware of from ultrasounds during the pregnancy, and just lived 2 hours. I read Angie's whole blog, from January till today, just this evening. It's powerful writing and so good. (Small world - she even has Boothe's blog linked to hers, who is the mom of Copeland, whom I just mentioned again the other day). It is really sad, but also is great, great reading.
So, though it's difficult, you may want to just check it out. Especially read the post {4:7} if you can. It just challenged my perspective and reminded me how I have zero to whine about or regret about difficulties in my life. I keep having that kind of thing happen. Guess maybe God is trying to teach me something. I think I'm thankful and trusting Him, but I can't imagine having the same attitude if I was facing what this family is, and that bothers me. I want to be there. I'm even scared to type that, after some of us have just discussed how the way to get what you pray for is to face a trial that will teach you that character trait. Whew.
So, I'm going to hug my babies, tell my family how much they mean to me, and try to get more serious about trusting and obedience. I pray you're motivated by this family's faith in whatever struggles you may be having. And, it's not that our trials don't matter if they aren't dealing with losing a baby, so I don't mean to imply that. We all do have struggles that are overwhelming in an earthly sense, and without hope that a Sovereign God cares and is aware of it all. I just know how I can become overwhelmed because I don't turn to the One who holds our lives in His hands, and try to carry the burden alone. If you have already figured that out, then excuse my hard-headedness. I'm just slow.
Here is the link - http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/
Anyway, Todd is married to Angie, and they have 3 girls, and she lost their 4th today. The baby's name is Audrey Caroline, and she had multiple defects and problems that they were aware of from ultrasounds during the pregnancy, and just lived 2 hours. I read Angie's whole blog, from January till today, just this evening. It's powerful writing and so good. (Small world - she even has Boothe's blog linked to hers, who is the mom of Copeland, whom I just mentioned again the other day). It is really sad, but also is great, great reading.
So, though it's difficult, you may want to just check it out. Especially read the post {4:7} if you can. It just challenged my perspective and reminded me how I have zero to whine about or regret about difficulties in my life. I keep having that kind of thing happen. Guess maybe God is trying to teach me something. I think I'm thankful and trusting Him, but I can't imagine having the same attitude if I was facing what this family is, and that bothers me. I want to be there. I'm even scared to type that, after some of us have just discussed how the way to get what you pray for is to face a trial that will teach you that character trait. Whew.
So, I'm going to hug my babies, tell my family how much they mean to me, and try to get more serious about trusting and obedience. I pray you're motivated by this family's faith in whatever struggles you may be having. And, it's not that our trials don't matter if they aren't dealing with losing a baby, so I don't mean to imply that. We all do have struggles that are overwhelming in an earthly sense, and without hope that a Sovereign God cares and is aware of it all. I just know how I can become overwhelmed because I don't turn to the One who holds our lives in His hands, and try to carry the burden alone. If you have already figured that out, then excuse my hard-headedness. I'm just slow.
Here is the link - http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/
Sunday, April 06, 2008
baby Copeland's family update
I know many of you followed along with the story of the Farley family, whom I first blogged about last summer, and their journey through losing their daughter Copeland. You can click here to read an update on them, and see an awesome video put together by their church. Their great faith and amazing perspective just inspire me. Please remember to pray for Boothe and her family, that their testimony will continue to impact others with God's love by the trust they've placed in Him.
Saturday, March 01, 2008
A slingin' sister
Sweet, huh?
This was the other day when I was trying to do something and Elijah needed attention. Abigail said, "Here. Just put him in the sling. I'll hold him." She is so matter-of-fact about helping with him, like it's just the most natural thing in the world. I love it. So, I helped her put the Maya Wrap on, and we tucked E. down in there, and he was happy as could be. After this picture, she sat in the recliner and looked at photo albums with him for a while. It was pretty hilarious. She got tired eventually, probably due to his hefty self sitting on her and squashing her for so long.
If you're pregnant (like a bunch of you fellow bloggers), and don't have a sling or wrap for your baby, I would strongly urge you to try one. It is an incredible way to save your back and free up your arms, when you do want and/or need to hold your baby and still do other things. It sure makes shopping easier! Plus, snuggling this little bundle never gets old, but can be tiring and makes me weary if I don't have him in the sling. So, there's my commercial!
***[Important subplot - Yes, Abigail's face looks puffy, like she'd been crying. She had and was just getting over it. She had a wiggly tooth (#2) and it was hanging by one corner, pretty stubbornly, and was driving her crazy that morning. She'd worked so hard on getting it to that point, but then it started hurting, so she was tired and frustrated. She thought she looked like Nanny McPhee and was embarrassed by the way it was hanging and dangling awkwardly. I assured her she was way too cute to look like Nanny did, but it was a hard half hour. Thankfully, Abi asked that we pray about it to make her feel better, so we did, and she specifically asked God to make the tooth come out 'all by itself', since she just couldn't 'take it anymore'. I told her that doesn't happen really, but we'd just see. And, wouldn't you know, God let that crazy thing fall out in her sleep that night?!!! When we saw her that morning, and said, "Abi! Where's your tooth?" she didn't even know. It was in the bed, and had fallen out in her sleep, just like she'd prayed. I am amazed at her faith and my lack of it. Anyway, that was last Saturday/Sunday. She's lost another tooth since then, her bottom center left one - we're up to 3 empty spots in her mouth now. Just call her Snaggletooth.]***
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Wholly His?
We sang this song Sunday in our service. Its words really are beautiful, and I love the picture they paint -such a great way to express the contrast of God's goodness and our condition without Him. Though I was previously stained with dirt and hopelessly lost, He decided to reach out and give me His grace that cleansed my heart and gave me new life. That is something I seem to forget - how shameful that I don't continually thank Him by living a life that is more consistently seeking to honor Him...
Romans 5: Peace and Joy
Romans 5: Peace and Joy
1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Wholly Yours Lyrics
David Crowder Band
I am full of earth
You are heaven’s worth
I am stained with dirt, prone to depravity
You are everything that is bright and clean
The antonym of me
You are divinity
But a certain sign of grace is this
From a broken earth flowers come up
Pushing through the dirt
You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries “Holy, holy God”
You are holy, holy, holy
I wanna be holy like You are
You are everything that is bright and clean
And You’re covering me with Your majesty
And the truest sign of grace was this
From wounded hands redemption fell down
Liberating man
You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries “Holy, holy God”
You are holy, holy, holy
I want to be holy like You are
But the harder I try the more clearly can I feel
The depth of our fall and the weight of it all
And so this might could be the most impossible thing
Your grandness in me making me clean
Glory, hallelujah
Glory, glory, hallelujah
You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries “Holy, holy God”
You are holy, holy, holy
I want to be holy, holy God
So here I am, all of me
Finally everything
Wholly, wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly, wholly Yours
I am wholly Yours
I am full of earth and dirt and You
You are heaven’s worth
I am stained with dirt, prone to depravity
You are everything that is bright and clean
The antonym of me
You are divinity
But a certain sign of grace is this
From a broken earth flowers come up
Pushing through the dirt
You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries “Holy, holy God”
You are holy, holy, holy
I wanna be holy like You are
You are everything that is bright and clean
And You’re covering me with Your majesty
And the truest sign of grace was this
From wounded hands redemption fell down
Liberating man
You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries “Holy, holy God”
You are holy, holy, holy
I want to be holy like You are
But the harder I try the more clearly can I feel
The depth of our fall and the weight of it all
And so this might could be the most impossible thing
Your grandness in me making me clean
Glory, hallelujah
Glory, glory, hallelujah
You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries “Holy, holy God”
You are holy, holy, holy
I want to be holy, holy God
So here I am, all of me
Finally everything
Wholly, wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly, wholly Yours
I am wholly Yours
I am full of earth and dirt and You
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