This entry in the whole "Stretching" theme has been the hardest to write. Even as I type, I don't know what the outcome may be in a few more days. The main point of it is that for years, James and I have longed to enlarge our family through adoption. We felt that if we had a baby after Abigail, then we would adopt a few years later. When it took several years to get pregnant again, and to have Elijah, we almost gave up hope and assumed that maybe we were only supposed to be the parents of two children. When Elijah was born though, it just felt like things were falling into place, and that meant that we would now adopt a daughter, and our family would be complete. The last few months though, I have felt my heart in a little turmoil. As much as I have always longed to adopt, I started having second thoughts, and doubts about whether we were supposed to add to our family again. I mentioned some of my thinking to James recently, who responded he did feel that we were not yet complete, so it just must not be the right time. I couldn't figure out how the logistics of money and time and housing were all going to be answered, but haven't felt too pressured either. I just didn't want Elijah to be so old that we would be starting all over after completely finishing the baby phase again. I have resolved to just pray and ask God to make it clear what He would have us do. We have been very upfront as a family that we intended to be a family of 4, so the kids even ask when we are getting our little sister, and we just keep telling them that we don't know yet.
Then, just over a week ago, I had a positive pregnancy test. I had been in denial all week that I might be pregnant, but finally caved and took a test. I cannot tell you how shocked and confused I was when I first saw that line show up. I was almost sick at my stomach, because I imagined our family and friends looking at us like we were crazy. We are struggling feeling so crammed in our house right now, and financially, we weren't prepared to add to our family again so soon. I won't go into the details of how I couldn't even believe how I could've gotten pregnant, but especially considering how hard it has been to get pregnant in the past, it was just crazy this would happen when we least expected it - or even wanted it. After the first days of shock wore off, the news started settling in, and we started getting excited. We agreed to wait and tell our family and friends until around Father's Day. By then, I would have a dr. appt. and ultrasound, and more confirmation that things were going well, and it was really happening.
My appointment didn't exactly go that way though. The ultrasound didn't show an embryo, just an empty sack. Dr. McK said that it was possible that we were just a few days too early to see the forming baby, but once my bloodwork came back and was a very high HCG number, it seemed more likely that things were not developing normally. There was much sadness and frustration, as I asked God why He'd even tease us with a pregnancy, if it wasn't really going to end up with a baby. I mean, we weren't asking for a baby or anything, so why get our hopes up, to just crush them? I don't have all those answers yet, but am trusting that God has a purpose in allowing us to be stretched again. There is also the eternal optimist in me that says there is hope that things will turn out just fine, that this bonus baby will be born, and add to our family just like we imagined a fourth child would - we just never dreamed it would be of our own flesh and blood.
We appreciate that several of you who already know this news have been such strong warriors in prayer for our family. This is how I ended the email telling folks our heart's desire in all this...
It has been a hard few days, and I have been super emotional at times, but now am better emotionally, just really nauseated! We have explained things to the kids in simple terms and they have been so sweet. They are concerned about what is going to happen Thursday, and keep asking, "How long till we know if there is a baby?" :-) Abigail has reminded me how just last week, she started praying for a baby sister, so she is very hopeful that her prayer is being answered. We really do not want her to think God has ignored her if this pregnancy doesn't work out, so are trying to teach them that we want God's plan, not ours, and that we just don't know what that may be. It is hard to wait. After years of waiting to getting pregnant, we should be better at it by now though!Thank you for praying with us for God to do what will ultimately allow us to be the best witness of His glory. Unless something changes before then, we will update you Thursday after the appointment. We love you.
