Fathers

There have been many thoughts swirling in this head of mine today. I keep pondering how I can sum up the impact of fathers. I don't know if I can even convey how very overwhelmed I am with gratitude that God has blessed me with not only a wonderful Daddy, but an amazing father for my own children. I know the legacy of our parents is carried on to following generations. There were some difficult issues in the past that could have been the continuing story of our family, on both parents' sides. Thankfully, God intervened and because of some godly men who shared the Truth of the Gospel with my parents, newly married and having a young daughter (me), the course of our future was then determined to be a hopeful, joyful one. To this day, I am so aware of the impact of the testimony of those believers, who shared, discipled, and lived out godly marriages for my parents to witness. They have said plenty of times how they realize their marriage shouldn't have survived, except for the grace of God touching them as newlyweds.

So, because of that, I was raised in a Christian home, by parents who were growing and learning how to form new patterns of commitment and faith. My Dad was a blessing to me growing up, for sure. We had fun outdoors, church was a highlight of the week as we worshiped together, we worked hard on projects in our garden, we loved the same music, shared goofy inside jokes, and we cheered for our Tigers. More than all those commonalities though, a reason I really thought my Dad was amazing was that he loved my mother. He passionately, enthusiastically adored her. He made it clear she was the love of his life, that he would do anything for her, and that she was his cherished partner for life. I remember almost feeling jealous, that she was so very special to him, and that he demonstrated such precious respect and sacrificial love for her.

Deep down though, I was so PROUD. I loved that there was such a commitment there, and that it was obvious to any who knew them, that no one could compare to his love for her. It mattered so much, because she hadn't had that type of daddy, and I used to think maybe Dad was trying to make up for any hurt in her past. Though I know that may not be possible, for the last 40 years, he still tries. I just love that about him. I love how he makes her giggle, how he compliments her, tells (fictional) stories about her dancing at the FloraBama, and generally causes her to shake her head with his shenanigans. I don't love that she is sometimes slightly embarrassed, but that he loves her boldly and enough to act goofy to get her to laugh (even if she reprimands him a little and tries to keep him in line).

As I've gotten older, I've realized even more how rare their relationship is, and how amazing he is as a father. I know he may not be perfect. But when I hear the lack of joy in friends' voices when describing their own dads, or the sometimes heartbreaking stories they have, I really see how blessed I have been. I've never doubted my Dad's love or support. Even when we have had conflict, I have felt completely safe and secure in our relationship. He has modeled the unconditional love of the Lord so well that trusting in Christ was never a stretch for me. It is so natural to believe that God has my best interest at heart when Dad has shown the same type of love in an earthly role. He expected any boy who was interested in me to meet and talk with him first, and he carefully guided me through awkward dating years, because there were some people who just weren't worth wasting my Dad's time. When James asked me out, and I was 20, I could only answer "probably yes" to his question of whether I would go out with him, since he had to meet my Dad first. I was really thankful when he met Dad's approval. I love that my father saved me much heartache by setting that standard.

Then as we grew older and left home, my parents began fostering and had the opportunity to love several additional children who came into their lives. My Mom definitely did the majority of the care and bonding with those babies and young children, and sacrificed energy and sleep for their good. Dad was supportive and fun and helpful when he was able to be around. The fact that he was willing to be a father figure to these children was precious, but has such a deep impact into my life still today, since he was the first example of a father to Isaac. We never would have guessed that our son would come from the foster care system, but I am so thankful that he did and that the only home he ever knew before ours, was with my parents. How perfect and precious is that?!

Then, that brings me to bragging on my husband, and the man I witness being a father daily. When it became apparent that Isaac's birthmom was going to relinquish her rights to him and my Mom told us, James was the one who spoke up and said, "Then we will adopt him!" There was a silence for a minute and I think I responded, "We will?" but it really was a clear leading from God. That moment is something I look back on with such gratitude, because his faith and certainty that God had placed such a sweet tiny baby in our lives for a reason had never crossed our minds till then, but it was so obviously the right thing. I am forever thankful that James had the boldness and willingness to take on parenting a child with unknown needs and a not-so-positive list of issues to address. Becoming a father through adoption is a blessing, no doubt. Choosing to be that dad, aware that it may be challenging with just the stuff that is already known, really takes courage. And courageous is a great word to describe my husband.

James has worked multiple jobs to support us, fully committed to my being able to stay home full-time with our children, and even went back to school twice to become a nurse, and then  further that degree while being a husband and father. He takes on challenges with us at the forefront of his mind, and when the jobs have been less than desirable, even menial, he does them out of pure love for his family. He is truly the most selfless human I have ever known. He gives of himself to our family in every way, and loves us fiercely. He encourages me in my crazy ventures, and helps me with housework! Our kids adore him, and long for time with him when he works extra, as he has these past six weeks. I love that they see his example, and my dad's, and know how a man should treat a lady, and honor the Lord, and provide a secure home for his family. Those characteristics are rare and we know it. The older kids have even commented and compared James to other men they see, and remarked how much more kind and fun and sweet he is. I see so much resemblance to my own dad, in him, and that is pretty much more than I could have ever asked for. They are the two greatest men I know and as fathers, no one can equal them. We are are so blessed with the gift of ya'll, and love you very much!!

Our beautiful boy turns 14

Isaac turned 14 this month. It has been a month of busyness, but he deserves his own blog post for such a milestone, so I am sitting down determined to get it documented.

We have fought hard through our relationship this year, my oldest and me. There is a whole lot that is his story to tell, but I will at least sum it with saying that being a teenager is hard, no matter who you are. If you add in some learning struggles, being the oldest in a family of people with very different personalities than yourself, and also the adoption and attachment factor, life can be a doozy. The past few years have been HARD. This past year has been painful at times, beyond my imagination and anything I could have prepared for. At times, we have not liked each other much, and we have struggled to live peaceably in our home. Hurt and fear and resentment from deep within Isaac have been directed toward me, even though afterward he'd say that things were not my fault and he really didn't mean them. It still hurt, though. Forgiveness and grace have been words and actions we have had to both employ to get through such hurdles. Not knowing how to communicate how he's felt, or even what he has felt, has frustrated him to no end. Counselors have helped us work through a lot of stuff, and we are seeing more and more hope, and glimpses of true relationship; real communication, voluntary hugs, spontaneous "I love you, Mom."  I cannot explain the depth of feeling that wells up within me when those moments occur. They keep me going and give me strength that we are fighting this monster of discouragement and anxiety back again, with true Love and Hope in Christ as our weapons. Unconditional love - such a gift.

So, this birthday meant more than just another year older. It meant not only did we survive, we have made progress, and we can rejoice that we were all together, as a family working on being better together. We are grateful for Isaac's life, and for his birthmom who had courage to do the right, hard thing when she relinquished her rights to mother him. I am forever grateful. I'm more grateful that God chose me to mother him, and how He forgives me when I fail miserably, and how Isaac does the same - a gift of forgiveness.

To the fellow adoptive parents I text late at night, my parents who know all the good and bad and still cheer us on, the counselors who offer wisdom and also compassion - how could we have made it without you? You have given us courage to see each day as full of new mercies, because you remind us so. Another gift...

A public school teacher who educates him and gives me great feedback on his behavior and progress at school, so I can focus on being a mom right now has blessed us so much. A bus driver who has been an encourager, a listening ear, and another set of eyes to watch over our son daily - both unexpected gifts to bring peace and comfort to Isaac and us.

We have youth workers and ministers at church and other adults in our lives who have taken Isaac on as their buddy, who have poured into him and loved him where he is. That is a kind of patience that ministers to him of course, but you have no idea what it means to us as his parents. Thank you for the gift of your patience.

This song is one of those I listened to and sang a lot to him as I snuggled him to sleep when he was first transitioning to our home. The words still bring me to tears every single time I hear them. They sum up this precious gift we've been given, and how grateful I am to be able to be the mom to such a son. They fit our lives then, and still do now. We are getting better, but it is such hard work. However, even as he ages and has to separate from us some, we are learning together. So grateful.

Close your eyes
Have no fear
The monster's gone
He's on the run and your daddy's here

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy

Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer
Every day in every way
It's getting better and better

Out on the ocean sailing away
I can hardly wait
To see you come of age
But I guess we'll both just have to be patient
'Cause it's a long way to go
A hard row to hoe
Yes it's a long way to go
But in the meantime

Before you cross the street
Take my hand
Life is what happens to you
While you're busy making other plans

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

--John Lennon

getting to know you

first night at our house

adoption celebration photo

joy

 

family of 4

brotherly love

growing up

sweet snaggle tooth

wonderful special olympics day

14!

10 year old turtle

family party

The Way It Is

I don't know if anyone else needs these verses right now, but I do, so I'm posting them. I hope that they might encourage others as well. Then, I'll tell you what's up in a series of posts probably (because I'm wordy like that). 

James 1:12   Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

Romans 12:12  Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

John 16:33  I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.

Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

James and I are wondering how God is leading us and what our future holds as far as involvement with missions, or orphan care, or adoption-related ministry, or whether we are to adopt again. We admit aloud that we just have no clear idea what He's doing, but that He is moving in our hearts. Many things have led to this phase of our journey, and I'm sure we will keep seeing His guidance lead us to the point we go, "Ohhh! That's it!" For now, we are working on obedience in what our roles clearly are for now (husband, wife, nurse, teacher, lay ministry in the church), and taking small steps to see how doors open. 

Part of our steps forward have included participating for the last months in a small group at another church that meets a couple of times a month. It is a group for families who are adopting, have adopted, or are considering adoption, and also folks who just want to support families in those categories. The encouragement we've received as we hear of similar parenting dilemmas, and education on methods of parenting, as well as studying wisdom from Scripture on how to love each person as much like God the Father does. That doesn't mean overlooking disobedience, or trying to pass blame, or explain everything as an issue because of adoption. It's about grace and demonstrating that to each individual, whether they deserve it or not, since He did that for us. We have shed tears, rejoiced over victories, and carried burdens together. I cannot say how much that group has grown to mean to us.

We also led a study at our home church for 8 weeks on the book Adopted for Life, by Russell Moore. Moore's book is such a wonderful volume on blending the importance of the believer to somehow be committed to caring for orphans - whether through financial/prayer/material/emotional support, or to actually adopting themselves - and the plan of God's adoption of us, as His children. The theology of spiritual adoption is so beautifully laid out in the book, and moved us to tears many weeks as we discussed the truths in it. If we realize our former state - orphans spiritually, with no hope, no future, and undeserving on our own merit of His goodness; but then brought into a family of hope, eternal life, with all the rights of His children - that is pretty much shouting ground! 

So, we are prayerfully seeking what we are to do as a family. First, as an individual, it's been clear for a few months that my steps forward include my first trip overseas, and my first short-term missions trip. I'm leaving for Swaziland, Africa, in 18 days. Not that I'm counting. I am so excited and also anxious to be with our friends who are serving the Swazi people full-time. My dear friend Alli is my partner in this journey, and we are thrilled to be learning together how He can use us. You can follow our blog about Swaziland at oneweekinafrica.blogspot.com also. 

As our family continues to seek God's plan, we'd love your prayers that His will would be what we follow, not our desires or good intentions. Thank you so much!

weeping may endure for the night

I tried to push all this down and not blog on it. I just didn't want to go here, and have fought it all day...The topic is one I've covered plenty in the past and thought I was pretty done with it personally. Then, today it became apparent how very much infertility in my past affects me to this day. I'll back up and explain.

James and I are facilitating the study of a great book at church during our Bible study hour. It's Adopted for Life, by Russell Moore. You can read glowing reviews everywhere on this book, and I agree so far that it is really the best comprehensive volume I've ever read on actual physical adoption of children and also our spiritual adoption by God. We are just four chapters in, and have covered some great truth from Scripture regarding our status as adoptees by our Heavenly Father, and the call to care for orphans that is mandated in the Bible. There is SO much in this book and I can't summarize it to do it justice, so please just go read it. :-)

Anyway, today's chapter was for the couple who has yet to become parents, and then couples who already have children, and how adoption applies to each. I started the chapter honestly thinking how this would be hard for some folks in our group who have faced infertility struggles, and also might not apply to others, since we have couples who are planning to marry but haven't yet, and couples with biological and adopted kids, so there is a wide range of situations in our class. I didn't feel concerned in the least that it would be painful for ME, or that discussing the way infertility affects a couple can impact them so greatly. While reading the book, I even logically made notes, and thought through a great deal of Moore's opinions and stories, and found myself agreeing with it and not being disturbed or anything.

Then, today. We passed around the handouts with simple notes and references James and I'd put together to help us work through the material. James introduced the topic, and began with points of Moore's regarding the perspective many couples have when facing a life with no children. Moore reiterates that it is normal and healthy to feel deep sadness over not being able to conceive and he quoted verses mentioning Rachel and Hannah, and their groaning, desperate pleas for children. He discussed how many women especially feel abandoned by God when realizing that "barren" may be a term used to describe them, and the deep shame and hurt that can cause. Thankfully, he summed up that section saying how infertility (and cancer and other illnesses or conditions) are a result of the fall and sin, they are NOT issues related to our personal sin. We are not individually cursed with infertility because we've done something sinful. We live in a fallen world, with imperfect bodies and the effect of this earth being cursed as well.

Somewhere in there though, I really just became overwhelmed with sadness, remembering so many moments over years, of hurting and disappointment and downright grieving, when we could not have children when we wanted. I wanted to be embarrassed and snap out of it, but just couldn't. The tears started flowing, and wouldn't stop for a while.

Those memories are so vivid and painful, reflecting on the hurtful things people said, the feeling of failure repeatedly, frustration over others having babies they didn't even want, feeling I was just defective and the shame that brought, and the confusion over why God didn't answer us the way we were asking.

I am so grateful I can see, on this side of things, more of that big picture He was viewing, as I saw only the tiny pieces right in front of me. His timing was perfect, with each of our kids. Isaac needed a family when we were wanting a baby. We adopted him out of pure joy and complete commitment to raising him as our own son, the same as if he was ours biologically. He was not a consolation prize, but the answer to our prayers for parenthood. The shock of then finding out we were expecting Abigail was so incredible, after assuming the doctors were right and we would probably not conceive. Having them join our families within two years in different ways sure changed things. We were so happy with them and thankful for the two children - a boy and a girl - God blessed us with, but always felt if someone was missing. We considered updating our foster parents certification, and even started the process, then just stopped when James knew he wasn't ready to face the emotional upheaval while also in school and working full-time. I kept two different little boys for a year, each, and that was a sweet way of helping other moms who were working, but also filled our home for a part of every day with little ones. That was such a blessing to us all.

After another few years of failed attempts to conceive and more treatment, we surrendered that apparently two was our maximum number of children for the time, and adoption would have to be considered again later if we decided to grow our family more. We were fine with that, but just knew it was time to wait and renew our joy with the blessings we already had.

God's so funny. Within 2 months of that clear surrendering our plans to the Lord, I was pregnant again. It was quite an adjustment to start all over with a baby again, after a 5 and 8 year gap. We loved getting to know Elijah and his special place in our family. Settling in with him added to our routine was harder, though he was a sweet, easy baby, just because we were out of practice. When he was 18 months, I remember feeling like we'd turned a corner. Then, I was shockingly pregnant again, and incredulous. We still cannot explain how impossible this was medically and physically and yet, God had put that baby there! The up and down roller coaster of pregnancy with Owen, fear he was not going to make it early on, then his crazy long gestation, made it such an adventure. (All of these stories have been well-documented on this blog and the individual baby blogs for Elijah and Owen linked on the right, if you would like to read more!)

I have pondered all of this history and all I can say is that God's plan was so much better than ours. Waiting on our children hurt so deeply at the time, and that pain is obviously just below the surface still. It sounds silly to be crying over my struggle getting pregnant way back when, especially since I now am a mama to four children. I just know that He uses even that pain to help me be more sympathetic to others, and sharing our story yesterday just further pointed to Him - His great love, His sovereignty (even over endometriosis and an ovary removal), His grace showered on us, and I am so grateful. A class member messaged today to share how our story helped her in her own journey, and that sure made me glad we had been vulnerable, even when it felt awkward and embarrassing.

Above all, I needed the reminder and am so very grateful that joy comes in the morning.

Seven months old!

Elijah turned 7 months old last week. He has been growing like crazy and adding new tricks rapidly these days. He had already gotten in 4 teeth before last week, was sitting up well independently, and then started crawling. Today, he stood alone, for 10 seconds or more, repeatedly! He is so proud when he does, and we have to laugh. We had his first professional photos taken last week on his 7 month birthday, and he put on a show. He's such a sweetie, and the photographer loved how cooperative he is. You'd never know he'd had his pictures taken at home a few times...

God is so good to have given us this baby we longed for, and we try to celebrate his life every day, and the gift he is. We just cannot take him for granted. Our whole family constantly says how much joy he brings us. That's something that just confirms to me that the desire we all had individually, and as a family, for another member of our family was something God placed there, and fulfilled. We're so grateful. Now, as Abigail reminds us often, she needs a sister to even things out, and we do feel that someday God may open the door for us to adopt again. We're prayerfully hoping that can happen. For now, though, we're certainly enjoying our Elijah-bear. He is marvelously cuddly and sweet-natured, and I think that comes through pretty well in these photos!

What a fast 8 years!

Isaac is 8!

When I wrote back in the first days of my blog about having 2 miracle children, I wasn't kidding. I'll share the story of one of them today, on his birthday.

On April 15, 1999, a baby boy was born to a young woman who had been through some difficult circumstances in her life. Since her baby was born at 29 weeks gestation, at 2 lbs., 14 ozs., he was admitted immediately to the neonatal intensive care. Amazingly, he was strong for his size, only needing oxygen for 8 days, and besides having clubfeet, was mostly healthy overall. After 10 weeks in the NICU, he was released to my parents (at a whopping 4 lbs., 10 oz.), in the custody of DHR. My mom took him to regular orthopedic appointments as his feet were prepared for surgery through many sets of casts and splints, as well as other check ups to make sure his vision and weight were normal for him. That first year was an amazing experience, as we all got to know this little bundle of joy. When he reached any milestone, we celebrated that he was surpassing any expectations the doctors had for him. Throughout that time, there were visits with his birth mom and family members, but they became less regular, and it become apparent that things may not be progressing so that he could go home to them. Around the time of his first birthday, and another surgery, his birth mom told my mother that she wanted our family to "have him," knowing that DHR was not keen on giving her custody, and figuring she had enough other issues to deal with, that it would just be the best thing. The baby wasn't attached to her, and had never been in that home environment, so she figured it would just be best to give in and make it easier on everyone. This wasn't expected necessarily, especially since my parents' goal had been to temporarily help children - not adopt and start raising more kids. However, when Mom shared the conversation with James and me, it was obvious this baby couldn't just leave our family, to go to some other adoptive family. We loved him and wanted him to be part of our lives permanently, and James rather quickly said that we would pursue adoption. We hadn't really even discussed it before that point, but it was so clear that it was the right thing to do that we were totally peaceful about it.

Within weeks we were setting up training to be foster parents ourselves, so we could transition him into our custody while working on the adoption. DHR was very accommodating during the process and it went by very quickly. At the end of the summer, his birth mom's rights were terminated, we had a room ready, a couple of baby showers, and transitioned Isaac to our home by having him spend a night or two at a time, until gradually he was with us more than with my parents. He slept through the night the first night here, and never seemed to feel that things were any different. He'd gotten very comfortable with us, since we spent lots of time visiting in Mom and Dad's home, going on vacations with them, and I had tried to make it to as many dr. appts. as possible too.

The entire adoption process did drag on for a while, actually not being completed till over a full year later. Within the same week though, on October 22, 2001, we became legal parents to Isaac Michael Vines, and found out we were expecting another baby in the summer! It was a big week! :-)

Isaac has truly lived up to his name, as a source of joy and laughter in our lives. He has overcome many obstacles in his life, and is a courageous, tenacious, loving, and lively boy. I can't imagine life without him and am so honored that God chose our family to go down a path we hadn't necessarily imagined.

I'll post some pictures later. Happy Birthday buddy! We love you so much!