weeping may endure for the night

I tried to push all this down and not blog on it. I just didn't want to go here, and have fought it all day...The topic is one I've covered plenty in the past and thought I was pretty done with it personally. Then, today it became apparent how very much infertility in my past affects me to this day. I'll back up and explain.

James and I are facilitating the study of a great book at church during our Bible study hour. It's Adopted for Life, by Russell Moore. You can read glowing reviews everywhere on this book, and I agree so far that it is really the best comprehensive volume I've ever read on actual physical adoption of children and also our spiritual adoption by God. We are just four chapters in, and have covered some great truth from Scripture regarding our status as adoptees by our Heavenly Father, and the call to care for orphans that is mandated in the Bible. There is SO much in this book and I can't summarize it to do it justice, so please just go read it. :-)

Anyway, today's chapter was for the couple who has yet to become parents, and then couples who already have children, and how adoption applies to each. I started the chapter honestly thinking how this would be hard for some folks in our group who have faced infertility struggles, and also might not apply to others, since we have couples who are planning to marry but haven't yet, and couples with biological and adopted kids, so there is a wide range of situations in our class. I didn't feel concerned in the least that it would be painful for ME, or that discussing the way infertility affects a couple can impact them so greatly. While reading the book, I even logically made notes, and thought through a great deal of Moore's opinions and stories, and found myself agreeing with it and not being disturbed or anything.

Then, today. We passed around the handouts with simple notes and references James and I'd put together to help us work through the material. James introduced the topic, and began with points of Moore's regarding the perspective many couples have when facing a life with no children. Moore reiterates that it is normal and healthy to feel deep sadness over not being able to conceive and he quoted verses mentioning Rachel and Hannah, and their groaning, desperate pleas for children. He discussed how many women especially feel abandoned by God when realizing that "barren" may be a term used to describe them, and the deep shame and hurt that can cause. Thankfully, he summed up that section saying how infertility (and cancer and other illnesses or conditions) are a result of the fall and sin, they are NOT issues related to our personal sin. We are not individually cursed with infertility because we've done something sinful. We live in a fallen world, with imperfect bodies and the effect of this earth being cursed as well.

Somewhere in there though, I really just became overwhelmed with sadness, remembering so many moments over years, of hurting and disappointment and downright grieving, when we could not have children when we wanted. I wanted to be embarrassed and snap out of it, but just couldn't. The tears started flowing, and wouldn't stop for a while.

Those memories are so vivid and painful, reflecting on the hurtful things people said, the feeling of failure repeatedly, frustration over others having babies they didn't even want, feeling I was just defective and the shame that brought, and the confusion over why God didn't answer us the way we were asking.

I am so grateful I can see, on this side of things, more of that big picture He was viewing, as I saw only the tiny pieces right in front of me. His timing was perfect, with each of our kids. Isaac needed a family when we were wanting a baby. We adopted him out of pure joy and complete commitment to raising him as our own son, the same as if he was ours biologically. He was not a consolation prize, but the answer to our prayers for parenthood. The shock of then finding out we were expecting Abigail was so incredible, after assuming the doctors were right and we would probably not conceive. Having them join our families within two years in different ways sure changed things. We were so happy with them and thankful for the two children - a boy and a girl - God blessed us with, but always felt if someone was missing. We considered updating our foster parents certification, and even started the process, then just stopped when James knew he wasn't ready to face the emotional upheaval while also in school and working full-time. I kept two different little boys for a year, each, and that was a sweet way of helping other moms who were working, but also filled our home for a part of every day with little ones. That was such a blessing to us all.

After another few years of failed attempts to conceive and more treatment, we surrendered that apparently two was our maximum number of children for the time, and adoption would have to be considered again later if we decided to grow our family more. We were fine with that, but just knew it was time to wait and renew our joy with the blessings we already had.

God's so funny. Within 2 months of that clear surrendering our plans to the Lord, I was pregnant again. It was quite an adjustment to start all over with a baby again, after a 5 and 8 year gap. We loved getting to know Elijah and his special place in our family. Settling in with him added to our routine was harder, though he was a sweet, easy baby, just because we were out of practice. When he was 18 months, I remember feeling like we'd turned a corner. Then, I was shockingly pregnant again, and incredulous. We still cannot explain how impossible this was medically and physically and yet, God had put that baby there! The up and down roller coaster of pregnancy with Owen, fear he was not going to make it early on, then his crazy long gestation, made it such an adventure. (All of these stories have been well-documented on this blog and the individual baby blogs for Elijah and Owen linked on the right, if you would like to read more!)

I have pondered all of this history and all I can say is that God's plan was so much better than ours. Waiting on our children hurt so deeply at the time, and that pain is obviously just below the surface still. It sounds silly to be crying over my struggle getting pregnant way back when, especially since I now am a mama to four children. I just know that He uses even that pain to help me be more sympathetic to others, and sharing our story yesterday just further pointed to Him - His great love, His sovereignty (even over endometriosis and an ovary removal), His grace showered on us, and I am so grateful. A class member messaged today to share how our story helped her in her own journey, and that sure made me glad we had been vulnerable, even when it felt awkward and embarrassing.

Above all, I needed the reminder and am so very grateful that joy comes in the morning.

Elijah is 3!

I'm still not finding the time I wanted to for blogging. Life has taken some unexpected twists and turns lately, and I'll blog on that later. Today though, I have to write about one of the greatest blessings of my life. In May of 2007, we were shocked with the news that we were going to become parents again. For those of you who know the story, Elijah was a long-hoped-for baby. God surprised us with him when we had finally resigned ourselves to not having more kids. The sweet baby to the left is one day old in that photo, and turns three years old today.

Like all of our children, I cannot imagine what our lives would be like without Elijah. He has a special place in our hearts, with his chocolate kiss eyes that disappear when he smiles big, chubby cheeks, and extremely lovable self. I often say that Elijah is an aggressive snuggler, because he attacks with hugs and kisses and wraps those he loves up in tight snuggly arms. He is smart and witty, and really easy-going in general. He loves to play Legos with Isaac, read with Abigail, and play with Owen. He was only 18 months old when we found out we were having another surprise baby, but accepted the idea of a little brother without a hint of jealousy. His main concern when Owen arrived was just that I could hold him too.

We are so thankful for precious E. He brings joy today, even with a 102 degree fever and feeling puny, because he is still snuggly and sweet and himself. We celebrated him Sunday afternoon, and I'm so thankful we had the party then, since today he would not enjoy it nearly as much. He loves being on a farm, and playing with heavy equipment, and has asked for a 'tractor birthday' since last spring. So, we rented a John Deere tractor for the weekend, and he loved riding on it so much. He was less than thrilled when the man came to pick it back up and cried, "Why they take my birthday tractor away?!" When we reminded him that we'd warned him it wasn't ours to keep, he settled down pretty quickly, but boy, that sad face would make a person want to go buy a tractor immediately....Someday, sweet E, someday, we're going to have that land and a tractor of our own. Here he is in one of his first rides with me on the lawnmower. It's still one of his most favorite things to do. He even sleeps with the keychain that holds the lawnmower key sometimes, in anticipation of cutting grass the next day. Oh, I love him and his passion for the simple things.

Elijah's name means, "The Lord is my God." We chose this name carefully, because God had clearly shown who He is when he decided to gift us with this child. He is a loving, generous Father who has temporarily given us a little boy to raise, love on, and teach, and we take the responsibility very seriously. The fact that Elijah was given life, then born healthy despite a rough delivery, and has been sustained to this age is all due to the Lord's sovereign plan for him. We don't know how long we will be entrusted with him, but cherish every day. Thank you Lord, for unexpected blessings, in your perfect timing. Many moments in these three years have been savored, but they become more precious as we have friends who have lost children at young ages recently. Every milestone, and special occasion, are treasured even more than they would normally be, when we realize what a gift they are.

This is the verse we used at Elijah's dedication at church 2 years ago. It's so fitting today, when we need a reminder of hope there is in God, because of some weighty things going on in our family. We pray that E trusts the Lord to guide him all his life, and that we are an example by doing the same:

Psalm 25:4-5 Show me your ways, O LORD,

teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

Relay for Life Wrap-Up

Thank you so much for your support as I participated in the West Shelby County Relay for Life. It was an amazing event, filled with emotion. I walked in honor of my Mom, who has been cancer free for several years now, and in memory of a precious little girl, Cassidy, who our church family just lost in March. A story was done on the Schuttingas, and in the photo with it, you'll see me holding Elijah in the middle of the background behind the Schuttingas.

If you've never joined a Walk for Life, I highly recommend it. It was a beautiful occasion to focus on life, and how valuable it it - worth fighting for. Your financial support was so helpful, and I exceeded my goal of personally raising $200. More than 300 walkers participated in the event. A total of 34 teams raised over $60,000. Our Shelby Crossings team raised the most money at this Relay also! I appreciate your gift so very much.

http://www.shelbycountyreporter.com/news/2009/may/14/family-walks-memory-daughter-sister/

Ode to a Friend, #5

Sweet friend, whose compassion and tenderness are so well-known,
You consistently share your life with me and love my family so faithfully.

It's so fitting that my first memory of you
Is a conversation we had in our church nursery
Since we both love babies and have bonded especially
Over our anticipation for our last little ones
After loss, for you, and waiting, for me.

What joy and treasured memories I have
From the year you shared your dear Drew.
I am so honored you entrusted him to me
And that he became part of my family too.

Your devotion to your family, close and extended,
Is admirable, and exhausting, to behold.
You are quick to sacrifice, and give of your time
Whenever there is a need for meals, childcare, transportation, or counsel.
You certainly glorify God by serving others so willingly and generously.

Together, we have ---
Enjoyed parades and holidays, community group and Bible study
Shared a weekend at the lake, playdates, and many meals
Been lost, yea, and even late, to many functions
Laughed at your last, and only, surprise birthday party
Waited up late for our elder husbands' return from meetings
Celebrated our kids' milestones, watched the same movies, and read the same books.

You've been a consistent, faithful part of my life these last six years. You are such a blessing and I am so grateful for you.

Reason #4,879,694 why I love my husband

If you know James at all, you are probably aware of his kind, sweet nature, easy-going personality, and sense of humor. As his wife of nearly 13 years (!), and the person who hopefully knows him better than anyone, I am in awe of many other wonderful traits of his. The one that I'm focused on currently is his complete lack of selfishness and the sacrifice he continually makes to support our family. He is a giving person by nature, and is known for his servant-heart. However, the other night, I witnessed something that reminded me again how utterly devoted he is to loving us and providing for our family.

James has passionately loved helicopters for years. He has even trained us to love them, and the kids and I are so attuned to the sound of one, we can hear them before most normal people! James can identify the type by just listening to them for a second. It's amazing. He has also desired to be a flight nurse for years, and knowing his experience as a paramedic and his natural gifts, I wholeheartedly supported his decision to go back to school to become a nurse several years ago. He did very well in school, and was quickly hired afterward, to work at Children's Hospital in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. His experience there has been great, and he has enjoyed the relationship with his co-workers in the unit, as well as the opportunity to care for little and/or sick babies. His ultimate desire to work on Children's Transport Team was realized last year, when a rare, full-time position became available. Though the shift was still a 7 day on/7 day off shift, the shifts are longer (12 hours vs. 8 hours), and the pay is actually less, we decided that he would take the position, and we would see how it worked with our family's needs. It's still a night position, so he works all night and then comes home and sleeps during the day. After 8 months of this, James loves the job as much as ever, but we have really had to struggle financially, and with the fact that each work night, he leaves at 6 pm, so one week out of two, dinner, bath, and bedtime is all up to Mama. And, with 3 little people, that is hard. It's not impossible, and we have certainly survived. But, it's become more and more necessary for James to try and pick up extra shifts in the NICU, to supplement what he makes while already working 84 hours in a week. That is just crazy!!


So, we have recently come to a decision that the money isn't the only issue, but our family needs him around more, and so he will be going to go back to his position in the NICU. This was long-prayed about, but is still very sad to me. James has a great attitude about it, thankful that he had the months he did on Transport, but I'm so disappointed that he can't earn enough, and be home as much, doing the job he'd prefer. Thankfully, he does love working in the unit also, so it's not drudgery to return there, to folks he loves, and babies he is so great with.

Then, there was the incident that pushed me into a sobbing fit Monday night, and led to this post. We had enjoyed a family trip to the Zoolight Safari at the B'ham Zoo, and then dinner afterward with our dear friends/family, the Barlows. Dear James, of course, didn't get to eat, since he had to head to work. I took his dinner to him after we finished up, and he was heading out on a call right then. The kids and I have never been able to see him leave on the helicopter, and though we didn't get to go to the helipad, we observed from the parking lot below. When we heard that awesome "thwack-thwack-thwack," we just squealed and cheered! It was so amazing, and we saw him waving out of the window, as we jumped up and down, waving back. I can't describe the emotion and pride I felt as he was taking off, knowing that he LOVES that, and he's leaving it - because of us.

I'm crying right now just picturing how he lights up when he talks about the helicopter job. However, he is so thankful to just be employed, whether it's the position he'd love the most, or not. We do have so much to be thankful for, in a struggling economy, with so many folks willing to do any kind of work whatsoever. Believe me, I know that. My point here is just that my sweet husband is again demonstrating the same character and integrity he consistently has had ever since I've known him. It is a humbling, awesome thing to be loved so much.

Thank you, sweetheart. We are so thankful God gave us you. We love you more!

Wonderful news!

http://conorbootheandgirls.blogspot.com/2008/06/blessings-abound.html

Blessings from the week

I love being a mom and staying home with my children. Like a dear friend says, it's the simple things that make life so sweet. I agree. Here are a few simple, happy memories from this past week:

Abigail picked these tiny blooms for me - pansies, grape hyacinths, snowbells, candy tuft. She's a girl after my own heart, with her love for flowers and the outdoors. She knows the names of nearly every flower in our yard and I just love that about her.

Elijah tried out the jumping seat thingy - it was entertaining for a few minutes, till he collapsed. Don't worry - I didn't leave him there long at all. It was too cute to not capture on film/digital though. Those chubby legs just make me giggle.


















Then, there's another cute moment where he was resting on the boppy, gnawing on his fist, and then fell asleep again. He actually does do things beside sleep. You know, like eat. And poop. And, sleep some more.
Isaac and Abigail asked to read in their treehouse Thursday, but wanted me to fashion a makeshift cover for the tarp that was ripped off in a recent storm, hence the old Veggie Tales fabric. Glad it's subtle and not too obnoxious. Sheesh. They had a snack and read books for a while. Sweet kiddos.

Random Monday

* Today is 02-04-08. I love even numbers. My Mom does too. We're just weird like that.
* We walked to the library today, and it was Elijah's first outdoor stroller excursion. You can do that when it's 70 degrees in February. I'm glad for a sunny (though muggy) day.
* For the 2nd week in a row, I have our meals planned for each night. I am thankful for the ability to be organized in at least one area of my life.
* We had hours of productive schoolwork, for the first time since this baby was born. I'm grateful for the ability to teach my kids and enjoy doing it.
* Just 11 days till U2 - 3D is at the Rave in Bham. Can't wait.
* My Mom came Friday and spent the night, then my Dad joined us Saturday and they both were with us almost all day and then we ate dinner with my brother. I value family time.
* Worshiping through praise music at church Sunday blessed my heart. I appreciate those who share their talents and gifts through serving and ministering to our body of believers. Autumn joined us and that was cool.
* All my household appliances work. What a blessing they are.
* My husband just finished his work week this morning and lost no babies this past week. Now he's home for several days. YEA for a life partner and best friend who loves me so!
* I watched my first entire Super Bowl game and the underdog I was rooting for pulled it out in dramatic fashion. Isaac and Abigail keep cheering for the Giants. That reminds me of "Madagascar" which I LOVE - 'All hail the New York Giants!' hee heee...
* Made a new friend at Abi's gym today, and realized multiple connections we share - a believer, homeschooler, friend of a friend. Very cool.
* Ate queso and chips with my sweet Overthinker friend and watched our kids celebrate her middle boy's birthday. How amazing to have a friend where each member of my family adores her entire brood and never get tired of each other.
* I'm so, so thankful that it's been two years since my Mom found out she had cancer, and she's cancer-free today.
* Loving on this sleeping babe in my arms, while typing on a laptop, while sitting in my recliner, is so relaxing and fun. I love technology. Dad, thanks for the 'puter.

Have an awesome week friends!!

Little bathing beauty

Check out the sweet little fat rolls Elijah has! We laughed while bathing him the other morning, because he is so laidback and looks like he's having a day at the spa or something. These first few photos are of Daddy's first time to bathe him about 2 weeks ago. Then there are some from this week, in his baby bathtub, and wrapped in a towel from Mrs. Jenn. I can't get over how he's changed in two weeks!

James loved bathing a plump little baby, instead of the rare occasions when he actually does get to wash his tiny, fragile patients. Most of those babies can't even be bathed, due to their physical conditions, and/or the equipment they're connected to. It was just another big reason to be so thankful for this little blessing from God and the health he enjoys, something we do not take for granted. Happy 6 weeks old, baby boy!

Thankfulness

Today I am thankful for many things. The short list:

1. New life in Christ, and the hope I have in Him.
2. The new life growing in me.
3. My precious, priceless family.
4. Christmas music that makes me so joyful.
5. Chocolate chip/pecan cookies from the Doubletree Hotel. Oh. My.Goodness.
6. A cozy home filled with laughter.
7. Dear friends who are like family who are graciously serving me with meals and childcare.
8. A camera that allowed us to take some sweet photos tonight of our family of 4, almost 5.
9. Technology that allows me to keep up with friends all across the world through blogging.
10. You, dear readers. :-)

Happy Thanksgiving!

What a wonderful day to really focus on why I'm thankful. A list is nearly impossible to start, because there are a million things that rush to my mind. To say that this year, God has given us much to be grateful for, would be an understatement. We're given much every year, and this year just feel overwhelmed at His goodness and the multiple blessings He's poured out on us.

I've had a reflective few days for various reasons. Of course, the upcoming holiday naturally caused me to just think a lot about what I'm thankful for, but there were many other things running through my head: receiving more good news about this pregnancy and the answer to prayer Monday's check-up was; realizing how sweet and precious my extended family is; being thankful my family is all healthy; pondering the fact that a young mom (the sister-in-law of a dear friend) is facing her last days on earth after fighting multiple cancers for years; knowing deep gratitude that God has made a way for me to know Him and have relationship with Him; valuing the bond between fellow believers and sisters and brothers in the faith that is growing deeper; appreciating a husband that works so hard to provide for our family and who loves me as unconditionally as is humanly possible; having children who are affectionate and healthy and imperfect, but tender-hearted and watching our examples daily....whew. I've almost been overcome, in a good way, with the knowledge at how good my life is and all that's going on in it. I hope you're able to focus on those things today that God has done that are awesome and wonderful, and that the sad and yucky stuff pales in comparison.

This hymn is one of my favorites ever. Its message is so true. Hope it blesses you today with a reminder of His faithfulness, the best reason to ever be thankful.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

5 things I'm thankful for today

1 - After a long week of working too many hours, James is home this week!
2 - The cooler nights and mornings signal that my favorite season is just right around the corner.
3 - My family is healthy.
4 - Sweet friends from church traveled to GA this weekend and thought of me, returning with a dozen Dunkin Donuts as a gift!
5 - I didn't cook all weekend, except to reheat meals prepared by my sweet sister-by-choice, Amy, who stocked us up so I could stay off my feet.

Lyrics to Remember

My sweet Dad mentioned a song recently I had nearly forgotten. It's an old favorite by Margaret Becker, and really is a beautiful prayer of thankfulness. The second verse really could've been written by any of us, I guess, but sure does sum up my heart full of gratitude these days. Thanks Dad, for the reminder, and Maggie B, for expressing yourself so well.

All I Ever Wanted

From where I lay
I can see the sun
Rising through the trees
Before I face
This morning rush
I get down on my knees

I lift my eyes
And thank You for
This life you've granted me
I pray that every day I live
Your heart will be pleased

CHORUS
I pray for
Hands that hold You
Higher than anything else
And a heart that loves You
More than life itself
This is all I've ever wanted
This is all I want to be
All I've ever wanted
Is to love You
Faithfully

From where I stand
I can see the dreams
That you have fulfilled
Such kindness I did not deserve
But You gave it still

What do I have
That You did not give
There's nothing that I can see
So all I have to give to You
Is what You've given me

CHORUS
I pray for
Hands that hold you
Higher than anything else
And this heart to love You
More than life itself
This is all I've ever wanted
This is all I want to be
All I've ever wanted
Is to love You
Faithfully

I know I don't have the power
To love You like I should
But every day with everything I have
I wish I could
I'm standing here now
These words I pray
I wanna love You better
Whatever it takes

Ode to a friendship, #2

This is somewhat tongue-in-cheek, just to say how much I love one of my dear friends. I hope you all have people in your life who are as thoughtful as she is.

What a friend
That would hand-me-down old issues of "People"
Share Mexican and a movie on a rare girls' day out
And plan a week of birthday dinners for me by friends.

Your thrifty shopping of maternity clothes with me in mind
Buying geraniums on clearance for my garden
And the kind way you listen to my whining
All touch me and encourage and make me feel very loved.

In another life
I could be content with a cottage, garden, pets, and music
You would choose to do relief work in Africa or backpack across Europe
I can't begin to compare your tattoo and piercing desire
With my total disinterest in even coloring my hair.

Your passionate prayers for my family
Tears at our trials and laughter during the joy
Your sneaky gifts left on my back doorstep
All demonstrate the love of a sister
That I never had.

Our similarities amaze me, and our differences amuse me.
You are a gift.
I'm so thankful for you.