weeping may endure for the night

I tried to push all this down and not blog on it. I just didn't want to go here, and have fought it all day...The topic is one I've covered plenty in the past and thought I was pretty done with it personally. Then, today it became apparent how very much infertility in my past affects me to this day. I'll back up and explain.

James and I are facilitating the study of a great book at church during our Bible study hour. It's Adopted for Life, by Russell Moore. You can read glowing reviews everywhere on this book, and I agree so far that it is really the best comprehensive volume I've ever read on actual physical adoption of children and also our spiritual adoption by God. We are just four chapters in, and have covered some great truth from Scripture regarding our status as adoptees by our Heavenly Father, and the call to care for orphans that is mandated in the Bible. There is SO much in this book and I can't summarize it to do it justice, so please just go read it. :-)

Anyway, today's chapter was for the couple who has yet to become parents, and then couples who already have children, and how adoption applies to each. I started the chapter honestly thinking how this would be hard for some folks in our group who have faced infertility struggles, and also might not apply to others, since we have couples who are planning to marry but haven't yet, and couples with biological and adopted kids, so there is a wide range of situations in our class. I didn't feel concerned in the least that it would be painful for ME, or that discussing the way infertility affects a couple can impact them so greatly. While reading the book, I even logically made notes, and thought through a great deal of Moore's opinions and stories, and found myself agreeing with it and not being disturbed or anything.

Then, today. We passed around the handouts with simple notes and references James and I'd put together to help us work through the material. James introduced the topic, and began with points of Moore's regarding the perspective many couples have when facing a life with no children. Moore reiterates that it is normal and healthy to feel deep sadness over not being able to conceive and he quoted verses mentioning Rachel and Hannah, and their groaning, desperate pleas for children. He discussed how many women especially feel abandoned by God when realizing that "barren" may be a term used to describe them, and the deep shame and hurt that can cause. Thankfully, he summed up that section saying how infertility (and cancer and other illnesses or conditions) are a result of the fall and sin, they are NOT issues related to our personal sin. We are not individually cursed with infertility because we've done something sinful. We live in a fallen world, with imperfect bodies and the effect of this earth being cursed as well.

Somewhere in there though, I really just became overwhelmed with sadness, remembering so many moments over years, of hurting and disappointment and downright grieving, when we could not have children when we wanted. I wanted to be embarrassed and snap out of it, but just couldn't. The tears started flowing, and wouldn't stop for a while.

Those memories are so vivid and painful, reflecting on the hurtful things people said, the feeling of failure repeatedly, frustration over others having babies they didn't even want, feeling I was just defective and the shame that brought, and the confusion over why God didn't answer us the way we were asking.

I am so grateful I can see, on this side of things, more of that big picture He was viewing, as I saw only the tiny pieces right in front of me. His timing was perfect, with each of our kids. Isaac needed a family when we were wanting a baby. We adopted him out of pure joy and complete commitment to raising him as our own son, the same as if he was ours biologically. He was not a consolation prize, but the answer to our prayers for parenthood. The shock of then finding out we were expecting Abigail was so incredible, after assuming the doctors were right and we would probably not conceive. Having them join our families within two years in different ways sure changed things. We were so happy with them and thankful for the two children - a boy and a girl - God blessed us with, but always felt if someone was missing. We considered updating our foster parents certification, and even started the process, then just stopped when James knew he wasn't ready to face the emotional upheaval while also in school and working full-time. I kept two different little boys for a year, each, and that was a sweet way of helping other moms who were working, but also filled our home for a part of every day with little ones. That was such a blessing to us all.

After another few years of failed attempts to conceive and more treatment, we surrendered that apparently two was our maximum number of children for the time, and adoption would have to be considered again later if we decided to grow our family more. We were fine with that, but just knew it was time to wait and renew our joy with the blessings we already had.

God's so funny. Within 2 months of that clear surrendering our plans to the Lord, I was pregnant again. It was quite an adjustment to start all over with a baby again, after a 5 and 8 year gap. We loved getting to know Elijah and his special place in our family. Settling in with him added to our routine was harder, though he was a sweet, easy baby, just because we were out of practice. When he was 18 months, I remember feeling like we'd turned a corner. Then, I was shockingly pregnant again, and incredulous. We still cannot explain how impossible this was medically and physically and yet, God had put that baby there! The up and down roller coaster of pregnancy with Owen, fear he was not going to make it early on, then his crazy long gestation, made it such an adventure. (All of these stories have been well-documented on this blog and the individual baby blogs for Elijah and Owen linked on the right, if you would like to read more!)

I have pondered all of this history and all I can say is that God's plan was so much better than ours. Waiting on our children hurt so deeply at the time, and that pain is obviously just below the surface still. It sounds silly to be crying over my struggle getting pregnant way back when, especially since I now am a mama to four children. I just know that He uses even that pain to help me be more sympathetic to others, and sharing our story yesterday just further pointed to Him - His great love, His sovereignty (even over endometriosis and an ovary removal), His grace showered on us, and I am so grateful. A class member messaged today to share how our story helped her in her own journey, and that sure made me glad we had been vulnerable, even when it felt awkward and embarrassing.

Above all, I needed the reminder and am so very grateful that joy comes in the morning.

Owen at 18 months

Sweet Owen Thomas. With all that's transpired in his short life, he has been the most neglected as far as blogging goes. I have made notes here and there for myself, trying so hard to not forget details of his early months, and not wanting to have that fourth child syndrome apply to him. You know, the lack of photos, baby book, birth announcements, etc. since he's the fourth? Well, I have struggled with that a lot, not for lack of desire, just time. The truth is, the more young kids you have, the more work there is, and less time to do extras. Birth announcements and baby books are extras at this point. Hopefully, Owen will know how loved he was, even if he didn't have the same attention given him in those areas. :-)

We are constantly amazed at this little boy. He is such a delight to our family. To be so young, he definitely has his own personality traits that are obvious HIS. Owen is a people person and loves to see friends, family, and strangers too. He waves and says hi and bye so happily. He came into this world a little late according to his estimated arrival, but he's done pretty much everything else early. Here are a few of those "should be in a baby book" facts:

- O had 6 teeth by 6 months and a mouthful by around a year. He eats very well, still happily nursing several times a day...and night, unfortunately for Mama, who longs for a full night's rest. I know this will pass though, and I'll miss it, so am trying hard to not complain. He's worth the fatigue and puffy eyes.

- Owen started walking at 9 months, and walked everywhere independently by 10 months. He is a go-getter, climbing more than any of the other kids. He is quick to go up and down stairs and manages ours very well. He will climb on the table too, if we let him, and that makes me crazy, so we have to watch him. He's not referred to as "hurricane owen" for nothing. He is also a huge ham. He loves to make us laugh and is great at it. 

- He started sleeping in a bed with Elijah for some naps and for large portions of the night at 16 months. Isaac was a great sleeper as a baby and toddler - in his own bed, and slept all night. Abi was in our room till age 2, then moved to her own room, but was up and down 3-4 times a night EVERY night till she was almost 5. elijah transitioned well to share a room with Isaac at 18 months, and has had some infrequent restless nights, but overall sleeps well. Owen still wakes up to nurse, but his sleeping in another room, upstairs, is BIG.

- Fun things Owen does lately are pointing to and naming various body parts, like nose, eyes, ears, and belly button, which sounds the cutest. He also does the eskimo kiss/nose rub in hilarious fashion, which we all beg him to do often. Our baby boy is so attentive to surroundings, and sympathetic to sad siblings, telling me when they're upset or he thinks they need to be in trouble. "Ize! Nono!!"

- This kid has a zillion word vocabulary. I seriously can't count the words he knows anymore, but got to at least 50 when I stopped keeping up with them. He signed some for a while, but now entertains us by calling all of our names. "Li-lije" for Elijah is our favorite. He's said the pets' names well for months- Gugar (Sugar), Merlin, and Rose - and clearly calls them, claps for them to come, and helps care for them. He knows when we talk about grandparents, and will run to get their photo and kiss Gramma and Granddaddy if we mention them. Owen is definitely a Daddy's boy and can identify an airplane when it's a faint sound in the distance and starts pointing, shouting, "copter!" We're working on helping him differentiate. :-) One of his funny expressions, heard usually when one of the dogs is being walked for a potty break, is "Gross!!" Then last night, he said sweetly as I was tucking him in for a midnight snack with me, "'nuggle!" I always say, "Snuggle down, buddy!" So sweet.

I love that God surprised us with this sweet blessing. I have said it often, and it's true. With all the heartache of the past year, I know that Owen was a much needed cuddle bug when we needed comfort and joy and unconditional love. His personality is so joyous, and James, the kids, and I love him so much, that somedays, he was the lone bright spot amidst our grieving. I cannot thank the Lord enough for entrusting us with his life, and knowing exactly when we needed him. Perfect timing, as usual. These photos were taken this month of our darling boy.

Long time, no blog

It's a shame, really, that I never blog anymore, because my life is extremely fascinating. I know many folks are mourning the lack of info on the current goings on in our home, and I'm sorry to disappoint you all.

O.k., it's mainly myself who is disappointed. I have great intentions. I miss blogging and writing. Facebook statuses are super quick and therefore, are updated much more often. However, getting all my thoughts out in a blog post sure is therapeutic and I could use some therapy, so I'm working on finding some brief moments to write more than one sentence.

One main regret is that our baby Owen is 8 months old, and I have done a horrible job at documenting his life on here. I have made notes for myself, and taken photos, but I would love to not have fallen into the "fourth baby syndrome," which seems like a sorry excuse for laziness when it comes to paying attention to latter born children. It's in fact just impossible to do the same amount of detailed stuff for these babies. I hate that, but that's just the truth. There are more of them, and still only one me. So, I'm having to get over some of that, and also not give up on doing some memory capturing for precious O. He is growing so very fast.

All right, friends. I'll hopefully be back soon and start catching up some. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Owen's story

Our sweet fourth baby arrived on February 13th. You can read his birth story on the baby blog. It's at http://ourbonusbaby.blogspot.com.