Reflecting on grief

I have been sick for days...yeah, during the week of unarguably the hardest holiday season I have ever faced, following the most difficult year of my life. It has not been fun to struggle with the emotion of Granny's death just a week ago, along with fever virus, congestion, hacking cough, etc. However, I honestly have come to a place of gratefulness that it's super cold and I don't feel well enough to get out and do much, so have lots of time to hibernate and think. And, it's been good to think through so many emotions swirling around in my heart and head.

I was talking to a friend tonight about the sadness of missing James' mom, and other loved ones, and how it's been hard to just let myself grieve. As a mom of four kids, I feel like there is no time to really let my guard down and cry much, or embrace the sadness of a moment that hits out of nowhere. I have repeatedly thought of the quote by Claire in Elizabethtown, "I want you to get into the deep beautiful melancholy of everything that's happened," as she tells the main character who is grieving the loss of his dad.

I love those words. There is a beauty in facing grief and dealing with it, and acknowledging how much one hurts, and just how a loss matters and affects us deeply. It's beautiful, because it means someone meant so very much that it hurts horribly now that they are gone.

So, at times, I have cried and just mourned those I miss this Christmas. I have also at times felt some self-imposed restraint, like I couldn't really face the sadness head on, because I'm a happy, optimistic person by nature. I told this friend that I struggle with letting myself be sad. I don't want to appear to be wallowing in misery, or depressed, or super melancholy, because I am naturally joyful and love life, and want people to see that joy in me. I guess I've been afraid that if someone catches me on a day I'm really struggling, then they may think I'm having some kind of crisis of faith or feel desperately overwhelmed. There is a line between focusing on grief for a selfish preoccupation, versus just admitting that my life has a void in some areas now, because Pop and Granny and others are no longer sharing it. I'm struggling figuring all this out.

We are actually going to some counseling as a family now, to help us all work through these emotions. After suffering many losses this year, the kids and James and I all feel like we could use advice and encouragement on how to process these emotions. I feel such relief, just knowing that we are going to see folks who are equipped to handle whatever I feel, and that they won't assume I'm horribly depressed if I happen to need to cry a lot. Let me clarify too - none of my friends have criticized my response to these losses, so no person is the reason I am in this predicament of grieving confusion. It's just my personality I think, trying to ensure others are always comfortable and that I can be strong for them, so I'm trying to hold it together. I have been able to cry alone, with James, and with numerous friends, and think I'm decently handling the different feelings right now. However, I can see a tendency to NOT let myself go there, and that is something I'm working on.

Tonight, I played the piano. I don't make time for that much, and needed to tonight. The songs I played were all by Rich Mullins, who is my favorite artist ever. This song is old, but the lyrics are really as great now as they were when I first heard it as a teenager. Such simple and true words, and such hope. Life is going to be filled with hurt, and pain. Psalm 34 says that "Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all." I'm so glad He is there, and He can take my questions, and my tears, and my moments of wallowing, if I need to do that too.


There's bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain't nothing to be afraid of
There's bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain't no reason to fear
I know there's bound to come some trouble to your life
But reach out to Jesus, hold on tight
He's been there before and He knows what it's like
You'll find He's there.

There's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
That ain't nothing to be ashamed of
I know there's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
That ain't no reason to fear
I know there's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
Reach out to Jesus, hold on tight
He's been there before and He knows what it's like
You'll find He's there.

Now, people say maybe things will get better
People say maybe it won't be long
And people say maybe you'll wake up tomorrow
And it'll all be gone
Well I only know that maybes just ain't enough
When you need something to hold on
There's only one thing that's clear...

I know there's bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain't nothing to be afraid of
I know there's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
That ain't no reason to fear
I know there's bound to come some trouble to your life
Reach out to Jesus, hold on tight
He's been there before and He knows what it's like
You'll find He's there.