Trials. Joy!

I am learning to be thankful for the trials in life. This sounds crazy - I know. Goodness, there are so many hurts in this world. I just am done with it most days. Fed up and angry at how sinful we are, how painful things are for so many I love, and how much I want us to all be HOME. My eyes have been opened as never before, to how dependent I have to be on God to make it through the day; as a mom, teacher to my kids, wife, friend, daughter, and on and on. It's impossible to even be a decent person without His guidance. I'm so selfish and lazy. 

Then, adding to all that a new character trait that keeps wanting to develop - worry. I've never been a worrier. I'm not fearful by nature and haven't ever been the type person to things to death and come up with worst case scenarios. But recently, I sure have found myself doing that more and more. I know that grieving the loss of Pop and Granny suddenly within one year was a factor. My two grandfathers' deaths in the same time frame also contributed. I know that watching two dear families hurt through the deaths of an infant and a two year old, while I had children the same ages, also profoundly affected me.

When a lot of people in your life die in a short period of time, you start realizing death isn't as uncommon and rare as you'd like to think. I catch myself pondering, "Huh. Has there been a tragedy this month?" because for a while there, we lost a loved one every couple of weeks. I know - it sounds horribly morbid. I have felt that way for a year now. I don't like it either.

Instead of being my normal, relaxed and easy-going self, there are days that I have felt overcome with fear. Actually, nights are the worst, as I settle into bed and start replaying what all transpired that day. I have always had a great imagination. Unfortunately, that can be a negative thing when the mind is weary and thoughts aren't necessarily being directed by pure, godly motives. I think that there is a spiritual war going on, and this may be the area I'm most susceptible right now. I am tired. I don't get full nights of sleep, like-- ever. If I sleep a few hours without being interrupted by Owen, that is HUGE. So, physical weariness, busy thoughts, painful burdens, and difficult memories are not a good combination.

I find myself occasionally veering off into what could've gone wrong that day, what might have been a tragic ending, and how the next day probably will not turn out so well. I mean, it's really ridiculous and aggravates me to no end. I have never been so negative, and so bothered by my thought life. Another large factor is that my great love for people in  my life becomes so consuming, as I have tried to carry their burdens at times. I know that we are called to help one another and encourage and be compassionate. That is easy stuff for me, because people are so dear to me. However, I cannot try to fix everyone's hurts, or heal their scars, or take on their grief. Thankfully, these sweet people do not expect me to do so, and probably don't know that I feel this way. It isn't someone else's doings - just mine. Somewhere in me is this desire to prevent all pain and suffering in others, and I am really having to continually remind myself that I am unable, and not called, to take on that heavy of a responsibility. 

The truth is that life is hard. Pain does happen. We are not immune to it, and actually, benefit from it when God allows it to serve a purpose, usually to bring Him glory and to strengthen our faith. 

James 1:2-5 - Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

 

I guess pride is what makes me think I somehow need to help everyone through their struggles. I'm struggling with how to care, without becoming consumed or focused on the wrong thing - me - and to give those burdens to the One who loves them even more. The thing I have to remember is that He gave me this compassionate heart. He made my brain that remembers dates of the deaths of those I love, and the loved ones of my friends. I remember names and connect losses and the anniversaries reappear and I focus on how that remaining family member must hurt to the point that I grieve all over again for them. Why do I love so much? Why can't I just say "I'm so sorry for your loss/struggle, and I'll pray for you" and move along? Obviously, it's not a curse to love folks a whole lot. But, I have to prioritize how much I give of my energy and heart to people outside of the family I am responsible to, and need to be investing in the most.

These issues are problems that even therapy and counseling hasn't cured, and the only remedy that works is the one that I need to turn to constantly anyway. Only Scripture and the Truth of hope really calms those thoughts and gives me peace. And, they are not a magic cure-all, but a soothing balm, that gives me something to cling to.

It is hard to admit all these shortcomings and faults, but I know that others benefit from knowing they're not alone in struggles. I also would appreciate your prayers for God's protection of my thoughts, and for my energy to be directed towards His Word and the shelter I can find in His sovereignty.

Psalm 34:18-19 -  The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all.

 So thankful for this truth. Martin Luther, you nailed it.

        A mighty fortress is our God, 
	a bulwark never failing; 
	our helper he amid the flood 
	of mortal ills prevailing.  
	For still our ancient foe 
	doth seek to work us woe; 
	his craft and power are great, 
	and armed with cruel hate, 
	on earth is not his equal.

	Did we in our own strength confide, 
	our striving would be losing, 
	were not the right man on our side, 
	the man of God's own choosing.
	Dost ask who that may be?  
	Christ Jesus, it is he; 
	Lord Sabaoth, his name, 
	from age to age the same, 
	and he must win the battle.

	And though this world, with devils filled, 
	should threaten to undo us, 
	we will not fear, for God hath willed 
	his truth to triumph through us.  
	The Prince of Darkness grim, 
	we tremble not for him; 
	his rage we can endure, 
	for lo, his doom is sure; 
	one little word shall fell him.

	That word above all earthly powers, 
	no thanks to them, abideth; 
	the Spirit and the gifts are ours, 
	thru him who with us sideth.  
	Let goods and kindred go, 
	this mortal life also; 
	the body they may kill; 
	God's truth abideth still; 
	his kingdom is forever.