weeping may endure for the night

I tried to push all this down and not blog on it. I just didn't want to go here, and have fought it all day...The topic is one I've covered plenty in the past and thought I was pretty done with it personally. Then, today it became apparent how very much infertility in my past affects me to this day. I'll back up and explain.

James and I are facilitating the study of a great book at church during our Bible study hour. It's Adopted for Life, by Russell Moore. You can read glowing reviews everywhere on this book, and I agree so far that it is really the best comprehensive volume I've ever read on actual physical adoption of children and also our spiritual adoption by God. We are just four chapters in, and have covered some great truth from Scripture regarding our status as adoptees by our Heavenly Father, and the call to care for orphans that is mandated in the Bible. There is SO much in this book and I can't summarize it to do it justice, so please just go read it. :-)

Anyway, today's chapter was for the couple who has yet to become parents, and then couples who already have children, and how adoption applies to each. I started the chapter honestly thinking how this would be hard for some folks in our group who have faced infertility struggles, and also might not apply to others, since we have couples who are planning to marry but haven't yet, and couples with biological and adopted kids, so there is a wide range of situations in our class. I didn't feel concerned in the least that it would be painful for ME, or that discussing the way infertility affects a couple can impact them so greatly. While reading the book, I even logically made notes, and thought through a great deal of Moore's opinions and stories, and found myself agreeing with it and not being disturbed or anything.

Then, today. We passed around the handouts with simple notes and references James and I'd put together to help us work through the material. James introduced the topic, and began with points of Moore's regarding the perspective many couples have when facing a life with no children. Moore reiterates that it is normal and healthy to feel deep sadness over not being able to conceive and he quoted verses mentioning Rachel and Hannah, and their groaning, desperate pleas for children. He discussed how many women especially feel abandoned by God when realizing that "barren" may be a term used to describe them, and the deep shame and hurt that can cause. Thankfully, he summed up that section saying how infertility (and cancer and other illnesses or conditions) are a result of the fall and sin, they are NOT issues related to our personal sin. We are not individually cursed with infertility because we've done something sinful. We live in a fallen world, with imperfect bodies and the effect of this earth being cursed as well.

Somewhere in there though, I really just became overwhelmed with sadness, remembering so many moments over years, of hurting and disappointment and downright grieving, when we could not have children when we wanted. I wanted to be embarrassed and snap out of it, but just couldn't. The tears started flowing, and wouldn't stop for a while.

Those memories are so vivid and painful, reflecting on the hurtful things people said, the feeling of failure repeatedly, frustration over others having babies they didn't even want, feeling I was just defective and the shame that brought, and the confusion over why God didn't answer us the way we were asking.

I am so grateful I can see, on this side of things, more of that big picture He was viewing, as I saw only the tiny pieces right in front of me. His timing was perfect, with each of our kids. Isaac needed a family when we were wanting a baby. We adopted him out of pure joy and complete commitment to raising him as our own son, the same as if he was ours biologically. He was not a consolation prize, but the answer to our prayers for parenthood. The shock of then finding out we were expecting Abigail was so incredible, after assuming the doctors were right and we would probably not conceive. Having them join our families within two years in different ways sure changed things. We were so happy with them and thankful for the two children - a boy and a girl - God blessed us with, but always felt if someone was missing. We considered updating our foster parents certification, and even started the process, then just stopped when James knew he wasn't ready to face the emotional upheaval while also in school and working full-time. I kept two different little boys for a year, each, and that was a sweet way of helping other moms who were working, but also filled our home for a part of every day with little ones. That was such a blessing to us all.

After another few years of failed attempts to conceive and more treatment, we surrendered that apparently two was our maximum number of children for the time, and adoption would have to be considered again later if we decided to grow our family more. We were fine with that, but just knew it was time to wait and renew our joy with the blessings we already had.

God's so funny. Within 2 months of that clear surrendering our plans to the Lord, I was pregnant again. It was quite an adjustment to start all over with a baby again, after a 5 and 8 year gap. We loved getting to know Elijah and his special place in our family. Settling in with him added to our routine was harder, though he was a sweet, easy baby, just because we were out of practice. When he was 18 months, I remember feeling like we'd turned a corner. Then, I was shockingly pregnant again, and incredulous. We still cannot explain how impossible this was medically and physically and yet, God had put that baby there! The up and down roller coaster of pregnancy with Owen, fear he was not going to make it early on, then his crazy long gestation, made it such an adventure. (All of these stories have been well-documented on this blog and the individual baby blogs for Elijah and Owen linked on the right, if you would like to read more!)

I have pondered all of this history and all I can say is that God's plan was so much better than ours. Waiting on our children hurt so deeply at the time, and that pain is obviously just below the surface still. It sounds silly to be crying over my struggle getting pregnant way back when, especially since I now am a mama to four children. I just know that He uses even that pain to help me be more sympathetic to others, and sharing our story yesterday just further pointed to Him - His great love, His sovereignty (even over endometriosis and an ovary removal), His grace showered on us, and I am so grateful. A class member messaged today to share how our story helped her in her own journey, and that sure made me glad we had been vulnerable, even when it felt awkward and embarrassing.

Above all, I needed the reminder and am so very grateful that joy comes in the morning.