So, there is a lot going on, and most of it good. I struggle to find time still to write blog posts. Facebook seems easier, because it's more succinct, though many times, even a short, to-the-point thought is complicated for a wordy person like me. Tonight, as I hear of more friends whose marriages are struggling or who are facing tragedies in their lives, I can identify like never before with the weight of battling to maintain a relationship.
Within the past 18 months, James and I:
-have lost more beloved family members than I can count
-added a family member, our precious Owen Thomas
-witnessed friends' anguish who have lost young children
-completed two semesters of college and a year of a brand new co op with our homeschool
-faced crisis with our eldest child, and continue to seek help from multiple counselors and doctors
-decided God was leading us to offer our home as a rental to a friend, whom accepted, but needs to move in June
-found a home on our second day of looking, made an offer, and appear to be moving all within a month's time
-endured times of laughter till we cried, cried till we laughed, and sometimes just. plain. wept...until we fell asleep
I know plenty of you who have had much scarier scenarios, and continue to deal with health issues, family pain, financial worries, and aren't amused by my list of our 'first world problems'. Believe me, I'm not exaggerating the reality of what we've faced and assuming my life has been harder than many others. Yeah, it's been hard, but we didn't lose our home in a tornado last month, and James still has a great job. I'm SO thankful the other 5 folks in my house are all healthy and together right now. However, James and I have struggled together to adapt to the changes in our lives. These have been hard, hard months for us, and sometimes, we felt like we just couldn't face another wave, but they kept coming.
Our marriage has never felt so vulnerable. Before this year, I never understood how folks would get to the point of divorce and seem so o.k. with it. Even if they weren't happy about the divorce, when there wasn't a specific problem like adultery, I could not understand when they just couldn't deal with each other and felt they'd be better apart. I don't think I was ever really judgmental, but truly would say, "I guess I just can't understand, having never been there."
Well, I have now. I didn't talk about wanting a divorce, and James didn't either. But there were weeks when we didn't talk much about anything, and we were hurting and things were so easily becoming distant and unfeeling.
It's a scary place to be, to just live with the person you promised to live with and love forever, and kinda feel like you don't know who they are or what they're thinking. I hated it, but couldn't fix it. James was mainly grieving his parents' death, so close together, but not ready to really talk a lot. He's not a typical guy in that he does talk, and has always been great at sharing his feelings. This silent, somber person was so foreign to me, and I slowly felt like he was leaving me. At one of the many times I tried to confront him to ask him about his feelings, or what was going on inside him, he replied he was numb and just didn't feel anything. I remember being so angry, and saying, "I WISH I could be numb! Everything hurts me!" I couldn't stop being sad, wanting to process aloud, and work through all my emotions, and just get. it. out. I was bearing so many sad things - every day felt like more depressing bad news and I was overwhelmed with it all.
Thankfully, in his time, James was able to process enough, we saw a grief counselor, and worked through the fatigue, grief, guilt, and regret we felt. We still both miss his parents so much. It's been very hard to not have them to visit, to share their grandkids with, and to know they'll never be here again to make memories with. I hate it. I am so sad, and feel shocked still, sometimes when I catch myself starting to ask, "Have you talked to Pop and Granny today?" The permanence of death is something that is really difficult to get accustomed to, and to walk through this with a spouse and four children has been something for which I've felt very unprepared.
Our precious close friends and my parents have listened, encouraged, checked in, and cheered us on. They've emailed and called, and shared Scripture, and just told us God was going to get us through this time. I honestly know that without that support, we would probably still be stuck in that funk of depression and misery. And, I think that's how others just give up.
If you don't have someone telling you that it is worth fighting through, and you get lost in the temporary pain, it would not make sense to keep hanging in there with someone who isn't so fun.
Neither of us was very likable, but we were committed to keep loving each other, and acting on that love, even when we didn't feel like there was much energy left to invest. We knew our marriage was worth it, we remembered the years of joy and memories, and we loved our kids enough to not just surrender. I haven't ever worried about my marriage, never wanted a divorce, and never do.
Through that time though, I remember just not wanting to feel pain anymore. I realized that I hurt so much because I loved James to the point that I couldn't imagine what life would be like if we never returned to the way we had been. I thought maybe it would hurt less to just not care - not leave, not divorce - just quit caring, and act as roommates. That's so dangerous, and I remember literally feeling my eyes get big as I faced what was going on in my mind. I was very easily succumbing to a belief that is contrary to everything I stand for and have promised to honor with my life.
We have come through these hard times with a renewed dedication to love each other and work (because it IS work) together, when sometimes, it seemed like it would be easier to just say, "I quit. I'm too tired." This man is not just my husband. He has been my dearest friend for half of my life now. It is humbling to say, "Ok, I get it - I HAVE been there" now, in some ways. I hope it makes me more compassionate and gracious, and that never again do we feel so distant. I pray that God continues to strengthen us individually and together, as He has through these trials. Without Him - oh, I don't want to think of where we'd be. And, to our sweet friends and my parents, thank you so much for faithfully loving us when we had hardly any love left to give back.
Tears may last for a night, but JOY comes in the morning.
And, I'm so glad.
How long until You defend Your name and set the record right
And how far will You allow the human race to run and hide
And how much can You tolerate our weaknesses
Before You step into our sky blue and say "That’s quite enough!"
Am I naive to want a remedy for every bitter heart
Can I believe You hold an exclamation point for every question mark
And can I leave the timing of this universe in bigger hands
And may I be so bold to ask You to please hurry?
I hear that a God who’s good would never let the evil run so long
But I say it’s because You’re good You’re giving us more time, yeah
‘Cause I believe that You love to show us mercy
But when will You step into our sky blue
And say "That’s quite enough, and your time is up!"
Am I naive to want a remedy for every bitter heart
Can I believe You hold an exclamation point for every question mark
And can I leave the timing of this universe in bigger hands
And may I be so bold to ask You to please hurry?
Am I naive...
Can I believe...
And can I leave...in bigger hands
And may I be so bold to ask You, to ask You, to ask You
How long?
~Chris Rice~
No comments:
Post a Comment